Where I stand

I guess I reached a state of depression. I don't really know what I think right now. Yesterday I was able to make the last stage of my plan possible, meaning I got new tires on my car. It was the last big thing I was supposed to have to pay for before I could start saving for the move. It was kind of a hollow victory. I never really thought about making this trip by myself, I never really thought about doing much of anything by myself. I really look forward to leaving california behind there are just a lot of negative memories here. I don't really know what the future holds for me. I guess at the ripe old age of 28 years old I gotta figure out who I am and what I want out of life. Relationships have been such a big part of my identity, I think it's time for me to get my own.

Losing it.

I have been so depressed since everything took place last Saturday.  The best I've been able to do is start taking my anti-depression meds.  I don't know where my head is.  Before everything happened I was content being alone, I was working on me and motivated.  I still don't feel like I need to be with someone but I feel so worthless yet again.  I can't find that drive that I had.  When I think of the future now, all I see is emptiness.  I know, I still plan on moving back home, I have resigned myself to being alone and it scares me.  I just feel like I'm existing.  I think what bothers me most was a man that said he loved me set out to hurt me and ruin me and in the process take everything I own with no remorse.

Truth Is

It’s been a while since I last wrote. A lot has changed and I have a confession to make. My blog was supposed to be for the sake of me venting but I didn’t really use it that way. In all honesty I was lying to myself and whoever, if anyone reads my blog. I didn’t lie but I did leave a lot of things out. My ex calls it, lying by omission so I guess I lied if you look at it that way. I am a strong believer in not putting out all personal business for the world to see. It is easier to put certain things out on my blog because there is only one person that I actually know that reads it, if anyone else reads it; they are people that I don’t personally know. The person that I do know, however, typically knows everything that is going on with me before I blog but in this instance, even she was left in the dark. What I posted about my relationship being great was true, that was when times were good. There were a lot of good times but when they weren’t they really weren’t. It wasn’t until last Saturday, I think it was 8/11/202, I realized that I was in an abusive relationship. I know it sounds stupid to say that I came to the realization. In all honesty, I looked at each incident and made excuses for him. I knew his actions were wrong but I was trying to sit there and figure out what I did wrong. He never apologized for any of the times that it happened and if he did, he would eventually retract it as soon as he got mad. I withheld this part of my life because I was intent on not broadcasting negativity about my relationship, I thought being more positive about it would make things better for me. It didn’t really work that way for me. I don’t really want to get into the events that took place on 8/11 too much. For one I don’t want to relive it and it’s quite a bit to type. In a nutshell though, because I wasn’t working on us living together again (I moved out after he jumped on me but my stupid butt was still entertaining the notion of continuing with our plans together). I told him my issues were that I didn’t feel the him getting physical would stop. He actually told me that he doesn’t regret things getting physical but he is sorry that it happened. Nothing about that statement makes any damn sense. He dumped me (I didn’t consider us together anyhow so I didn’t care) while sitting in the driveway of the house he is renting. I guess I wasn’t upset enough, I guess he had a problem with walking away being easy for me. It took me a really long time to get to this point. We both had a beer that night and after he told me he was done and how horrid of a person I am and that all my past break-ups (which he confirmed with all my ex’s because according to him he kept in contact with them) and our break-up is my entire fault too. I just sat there and listened, when he was done, I said, “I need to go” That isn’t what he wanted to hear. He refused to let me go, told me I had to stay with him because I had been drinking, mind u, I only had one beer. I decided to walk off. I pulled out my phone and he broke it. To make a long story short, he broke my tablet as well, took my keys, took my car, and busted my lip for the umpteenth time. The cops got called and he denied everything. He told them that the last time he saw me I had left in my car. They found my car behind a grocery store with no keys. Marcus took all my clothes that were in my trunk which I live out of. He even took the blanket I started for my niece that passed. Now I am sitting here with literally nothing. I spent the whole night walking around Anaheim because I had no one to call or a way to call. Marcus lied to Rachel and made the whole situation something that it was not. I never felt so alone and helpless in my life. I really need to go now. I hope to be able to xfer in October because my Cali experience is getting worse and worse.