The time has come

Its time for a lot of changes to come and its kind of scary.  Ill be out of debt in less than a week and be able to begin saving for the move back home.  The same day that I get out of debt I will be signing my divorce papers.  Soon, ill be leaving california behind.  I've been looking forward to this time coming for a long time now but now that its here its kind of saddening.  I must admit that my life is good now and I look forward to starting over with my man.  Things are going really well and I feel we will have a great life together.  Marcus helps subside the fear.  We got off to a great start and then things got really rough.  I will never say I agree with all of his actions but I understand where his head has been.  Marcus did some things that turned me off majorly but eventually I realized what it was that he was dealing with that I failed to see.  He loves me, I see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, and he shows me every day and even though I wanted all of the things that he gave me, I wasn't giving all of me.  I turned into the man I am about to divorce.  Once I put stuborness aside, it was easy to put myself in his shoes because I use to wear them.  I began to treat him how he deserved and all the craziness went away and for the most part its been heaven.  I can finally say that I have a man that makes me feel like I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.  A lot of people looked at him as a rebound.  In all honesty he has been what I wanted from the moment that I met him but I couldn't give him all of me because he didn't know all there is to know about me.  Now he does.  I look forward to our future and making plans. That time has come

A little sad

Its really happening. Things are falling into place.  Soon I will be leaving the place I've called home for the last 3 years and some people that mean the world to me.  I just don't want the friends that I've made here to end up like a lot of friends I have lost touch with.  I know everyones lives will go on, as well as my own and plans will be so much harder to make.  I just have to I just have to keep in mind that I am doing this because its what's best for me.  But damn, this is going to hurt like hell.

Bored out of my gored

So, I called myself being proactive. I have a game plan to be out of debt in the next few weeks so that I can start saving for the big move. For some reason my job is offering over time on a Sunday, so I signed up for a whole 8 hour shift. I have now been here for two hours and haven’t had a single call. It’s father’s day, I didn’t think there would be any calls so I thought, hey cool. I will sit at my desk and make paper stars all day. I get here and no one has the key to my drawer so I can’t access any paper. Then I thought, well I will sit, chill and eat sunflower seeds all day. Turns out, I ate most of them yesterday and it will take me every bit of 15 min to finish off the rest of the bag. We have internet access but we aren’t allowed to get on any sites (even though I am posting on this one, LOL) FML. 9 PM please get here ASAP while I still have a bit of sanity.

Cross Road

I may get the chance to be a father but I am not so sure I am ready.  This relationship I am in has been very rocky and I don't know its future.  I got back with my boyfriend, how I feel about him getting physical remains the same but a situation arose and I don't know how to deal.  Before we got together, he slept with an ex girlfriend who ended up pregnant.  We are not sure if the baby is his yet but two days ago we found out she died from a brain aneurism. She had been dead for 2 days before anyone found her. The baby was in her arms.  The baby is in ICU right now and we are trying to find the famly so Marcus' mom can do a DNA test (I didn't know a mother could do that).  If its his child, he wants the baby if its his.  He said,"if its my son, its your son too" to me.  I want kids some times and due to my status it will be too exspensive to have my own.  I may be getting ahead of myself but I can't stop thinking about it.  I am excited but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am also scared. We will just have to see how it plays out.

Self Worth

I don't know where my self worth went at. I know that a person has 1 time to put there hands on me and I need to walk away permanently after whooping their ass and not look back.  I walked away like I should have but I want to go back at the same time. What is wrong with me?

I don't want to exist at this point. Devin was right, I am pathetic. I reached out to Marcus when I did no wrong.  All I did was care about what he was dealing with.  He didn't care about his role in things. He actually told me to stop contacting him. He thought laying with me that night was apology enough.  I'm so fucking over men. I can't do it. 

So damaged

I care more about people that don't give a damn about me than I do myself. This is sad.  A man put his hands on me and I am worried about him being ok.

Go at it alone

Its done, im single again.  i had to walk away from Marcus.  The man thought it was ok to put his hands on me on more than one occassion.  I gave him a pass the first time he did it because I deserved it.  Every time after that wasnt ok.  No matter how often I told him not to, it didnt matter.  last night was it for me.  I had to leave.  I am back at Rachel's, thank God for good friends.  Now i don't have to wait so long to leave.  I only have to take care of me.  I need to save to send my car and for a plane ticket and get out of a couple payday advances.  i think ill be ok to leave in July.  Lord please get me out of Cali.  I so hate it here.