The hardest thing I have ever done

Last night, I experienced the hardest thing that I have ever experienced.  I wasn't the one who had to endure it but I had to witness and I just couldn't keep it together.

Last night, I sat in a hospital room while my baby sister gave birth to her second premature child.  He came 7 months and 1 after the loss of her first.  I sat there and listened to my sister cry in pain and there was nothing that I could do.  I knew what was on everyone's mind and even though I didn't want to speak it, I knew what the outcome was.  The baby came before the pain meds or IV's could be put in.  I saw as his little feet came out.  When he came all the way out they placed him under a heating lamp type thing where we watched him take a few breaths.  We all got the chance to hold him, by the time he got to me, I am almost certain he was gone.  My older sister tried to console Jeremy (the babies father) because he was losing it.  I couldn't do anything but sit there and cry.  I couldn't imagine how this was going to affect my sister because I know that when she lost her daughter a few months back it really emotionally affected her.  I did finally get the strength to get up and look at the baby, he was 5 months old and all of his features hadn't formed but  every swore that he had his mom's nose and his dad's lips (I didn't see it). when we were all alone, my sister sat up and said,"I don't know what's wrong with me but I am not sad".  Maybe she came to grips with what was about to take place when the contractions started I don't know,  I couldn't possibly imagine what had gone through her heart and mind.

I woke up this morning hoping it was all a dream but as I got up to go to the bathroom, I saw her empty bed.  She isn't home yet. it just doesn't feel real.

No one said it was going to be easy

I went to sleep because I was a little upset about how this morning played out.  When I woke up, I came to the conclusion that everything that took place today is something that is what it is, and I need to come up with a game plan instead of sulking.  I can sulk all day but it doesn't change the hurdles that are in front of me currently and those hurdles still have to be dealt with, so I did just that.  I was able to tweak the action plan that I set in place slightly and I should still be able to obtain my goal with minimal delay.  Some how my choice to not smoke due to stress or drink my problems away gave me the drive to find a way to solve the problem.  It's not easy, but I have faith in myself and what I can accomplish.  This is what I wanted so this is what I am going to have.  When my goal is finally achieved, I will be able to proudly say that I did it, just like I was able to say, I made coming home possible.  I need to the lord to seriously keep me grounded because this is a long term goal so the focus and dedication has to be long term too and sticking with things hasn't really been my strong suit.  Correction, wasn't my strong suit, I am learning me and in learning me, I am molding me into the man I want to be.

Greatly Depressed

Today is the start of my "" weekend, decided that I was going to go and handle business like, getting a GA driver license.  Turns out, I have to have my birth certificate which I don't have due to the amount of moving I have done in the last couple of years.  I needed it today because I had to apply for a loan so I could pay for my meds which I have been out of for about two weeks now and in order to get this  loan I need a GA DL. I have no clue where it is at this point and the same goes for my social security card so now I have to go and get that taken care of which is going to take even more time so, I am screwed.  To make things worse, I got my credit report today and I have no idea how I am going to move.  I owe almost $2000 dollars for the place that me and the guy I use to date had together and this doesn't even include deposit, first months rent, and cable.  I really feel sick to my stomach right now thinking about it all right now and it sucks, everything sucks right now.  I think i am going to try and sleep it off before I am tempted to drown my stress away in booze.

another update

I have actually been trying to blog for a while but it just hasn’t worked out. For some reason, I can’t log into the blogger app on my phone and using the website on my phone is a pain in the ass. Today is my first day out of training and it is pretty dead, so I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to write. I had some profound things that I wanted to express but I can’t think of what they were lol. Guess they weren’t that profound. I finally feel like I somewhat know what I am doing at work. I still have a lot of questions but nearly as many as I once did. Dating life has slowed down for me. I am talking to two people. With Deon, it’s just sex and with Aaris I like him and he likes me and all that good stuff and maybe commitment will come into play but right now I don’t want to commit. It isn’t that I want to be a whore (not that it wasn’t fun), I just don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s emotions anymore. I am happier now than I have been in years and I credit it to me being single. If I wasn’t so scared of being alone I wouldn’t have gotten into the relationships that I got into and I wouldn’t have hated my life for so long. I know I made the right decision in coming back, I wish I hadn’t gone in the first place, I missed so much by leaving and gained so little. But, that’s life I guess.


One thing that I am super excited about is moving. It’s really nice having my mom as a stopover point. I get to be around my family a lot which is something that I took for granted when I first got here. I spent more time running the streets than I did at home but now that I have been staying put I have really been enjoying them. Being at my mom’s house also gives me the opportunity to prepare for my house like I want to. There will be no hand me downs, I get what I want and it feels good. I know it will feel even better to walk into my first place by myself. I am actually looking forward to being alone which was once my biggest fear.