Time for a change

I have gone back and forth with this whole blogging thing.  While I know that can be very theraputic, I have know idea why it is that I don't keep it up.  I think that it's because I don't always have something to say but I don't know.  I don't think that I am really writing expecting things to be different this time but at the same time I know that something in my life needs to change.  Where I stand right now in this very momemt is I am not happy, I just need to work on some things and as it stands, I don't know where to start.  Ever since I got to Atlanta, I have had a plan, I was working towards something and even if it was hard, my motivation was my goal and I have accomplished a lot.  I think what is bothering me right now is that I don't have a new plan, I feel stagnant and that is not a good thing so I am working on something new.  I have worked on my credit and it is finally starting to pan out,  I know I want a house by the time I am 31 but that is a long term goal so I need to feel like I am accomplishing something in the interem.   Of course, the whole getting a house thing is going to require some work between now and then but that is not enough.  So from here on out, I am working on me and that intales a whole lot,  my weight, my smoking or weed and cigarettes, my spending habitts, and my drinking habbits.  While, drinking has totally chilled out, I can do more.  I Just want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "I am still achieving goals. So as of today, and I don't know how I am going to pull it off but I am done with my drinking, I will do it in a social setting but not just because I am home.  This will help with my weight and I am sure of that.  It's going to be hard and I know it but nothing that is worth having is going to come easy and this I know.  I am about to be 30 and I refuse to be an unhappy 30 yr old, its time for a change.  The best that I can do at this point is to make it happen. No more excuses.  I am the king of planning and it just so happens that I am pretty good at that.  So in short, let's do this Eiran.

A Wall

I don't know what's going on with me. I am in an odd head space and I am not quite sure what to do, its as if I have hit a wall in my life.  I hate going to work, I hate being home, I want to be alone while at the same time I don't want to be alone. I know there are a couple oxymorons in that last sentence.  I should be happy but I'm not and I don't know why. When I think about where my life is now and where it was when I was at my lowest points, I have come a long way. I have my own place, I'm back with my family, I have a man that I don't doubt loves me, I have a decent job which I hate but its decent still.  I just feel like I should be doing more but I don't know what that more is and I don't want to feel empty but that's how I feel. I want to feel passionate about something and as I am doing something that makes me happy but the truth is, I don't take interest in anything and even if I did, all I see are dollar signs which makes it hard to even want to venture out. I was motivated to move from Cali and from my moms house as well as work on my credit but its still not enough. I just don't feel fulfilled and I really don't think I ever have. Writing always helps me get it out of my head but it doesn't help me fill this hole inside and I don't know what will.

Finally, a little relief

Since I got back to Atlanta I was trying to crawl out of an endless payday advance hole that I found myself to be in. Well on 2/15/2013 I will be out thank God and I refuse to crawl back in. Everything will be paid off next Friday and I will finally have extra money when I get paid so I can start paying off this apartment. I wasn’t planning on leaving my mom’s house until May and I think that it is very possible. For a while I felt like I was getting nowhere at all and not making any progress. Even though I will be kicking out quite a bit of money on the 15th, I am more than happy to do it.


I am not quite sure what is taking place in my personal life and I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to let it stress me out. Karl is a good guy, doesn’t mean that he is good for me. I honestly don’t know where we stand at and there has been a lot of back and forth on the issue and I just really don’t want to deal with the back and forth. I am ok with being single. I really can’t say that I am at this time because we he and I haven’t really talked but I can say that I am totally turned off by relationships. I was turned off when I got here and I was shocked that I ended up with Karl in the first place. I won’t call him a bad first attempt. He is attractive, about his business, kind, and an all around good guy. He has some ways that I just don’t care to talk about anymore with him or deal with from anyone. Right now, I don’t see a common ground, I am not going to bitch, complain or dog him out. He is a good guy all in all. Right now, I just want to bask in my moment of triumph.

Learning to be in a relationship again

Haven’t really blogged the last few Saturday’s. I intended to last Saturday but it was ridiculously busy, which is something that I haven’t seen since I got on the floor. I don’t really know what to say about what’s been going on with me. I feel like I am learning to be in a relationship for the first time and I kind of screwed up royally and hurt Karl in the process. Last Saturday, I had some friends come into town and we went out. Karl had some friends come into town as well so we both kind of went off and did our own things. Karl and I had made plans at one point but at the time he didn’t know his people were coming into town. I kind of assumed that we weren’t going to be getting together and didn’t bring it up. It turns out that he wanted me to meet his friends. I didn’t hang out with my friends all weekend, just Saturday, since he had friends in town I opted to hang out with my family and we didn’t talk for a couple of days. The fact that I disappeared made things worse. I understood him being upset, it wouldn’t have bothered me too much because I am a little harder to upset or hurt due to my past. I had to think about it, I remember back when I was more sensitive than what I am. As much as I have tried not to, what my past did to make me harder still exists even though I am not in any of those situations anymore. I really hate it, I was a hopeless romantic at one point but that part of me died a long time ago. I hardened myself up so much and for so long after someone emotionally wreckage that it become a part of who I am. Part of me misses that person, but the other part of me just remembers how painful it was to be that person and I have no desire for that but that’s neither here nor there. The past is exactly what it is, the past.


I guess, all in all, I am trying to learn how to be in a relationship again. Or maybe just trying to be in healthy one for the first time (so far it is, I don’t anything past anyone anymore) I am trying to balance my man, my friends, and my family and it’s hard for me. I don’t’ mind Karl going out with me to be with my friends and my family sometimes but not all the times and I don’t want all the time that I spend with him to involve the outside world like I have to be around other people in order to spend time with him. I also just need my alone time because that is hard to balance as well.

I must say that I am a little more in tune to what it is that I do and don’t want these days, I have always known but circumstances didn’t always allow. Sometimes I feel bad though, I will be sitting at Karl’s house, and I find myself bored so I want to get up and go. It’s not because I don’t enjoy being around him but because he is often busy at school. I can go be stuck in the house at home and have a great time because I have my family there for entertainment so why be bored at all.

Last weekend I met quite a few friends from G+, we all went out and had a blast, it’s was nice being social with a group of guys without an agenda. Every guy that I have met so far wanted something more than I was will to offer. All in all, life is still good and I have to remind myself to look at the big picture. Sometimes I get down because I am not where I want to be at just yet and I am so tired of the wait. In the process, I have to remind myself of where I have come from, what I have been through, and the fact that I actually like my life right now. It helps a bit to get through this long ass rough patch. I The way I figure it, I will be able to do some things here real soon and it will be very nice

Odd but ok

It has been forever since I was in a relationship where our lives weren't intertwined.  It's not a bad thing at all, Karl and I see each other when we do. He has his own life and I have mine and we aren't together all the time, hell, we aren't together most of the time but it gives me something to look forward too. This isn't a matter that I have a lot to say about, it was mainly a thought that just popped in my head.

Last day of my weekend

This has been a good past couple of days, I've spent it with Karl. Between the weekend and the last couple of days, this is the most time that we have spent together. Usually we r together after work on Fridays and saturdays and I spend some of my Sunday morning with him before I go to be with my family so the time is limited, its always been limited. When I met Karl, I was attracted to him but standoffish  but I was standoffish with everyone, I just wanted to do what I wanted and not care about anyone's feelings because it hadn't gotten me anywhere and I was over it, with him though I couldn't, not care, as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't. We r so much alike while being so different, while at the same time, my life and his life were seperate. There was no being stuck up each others ass' and to this day, us has been us as 2 different individuals. That's my babe but I am still me and he is still him, as two different individuals and I needed that. In a nutshell, I'm happy, I don't really care what people think or if they think anything at all, I'm happy, he makes me happy, and I haven't lost myself in the process. tims

No real Saturday post

I'm taking a mental health day so I can spend it with my boyfriend, we don't spend enough time together, usually Friday and Saturday night's after work. Sunday is family day so I am taking the day to sleep in, wake up next to him and spend the day doing the silly stuff we like to do.