1st post of 2013

Wow, what a year. I never planned for my life to take the turns that it did but I am better for it.  I have experienced so much, good and bad, and I have learned so much about myself. I go into 2013 happy for the first time in a very long time.  I will say this about the end of 2012, I got the chance to feel truly loved and it didn't come from the places I had been looking for that feeling. I felt it from Rachel, the person I spent my last couple of months with in California. Jharon, the person who was always there for me. Christian, my lil man. Karla and Yachi, the first real friends that I met outside of a relationship and really got to know the real me and not me and the person I was with. Finally, I got it from my family, the people who have been in my life for all of my life (with some new additions). I'm home now, where I need to be and for the first time in a long time I feel like there is nothing wrong with me being the person that I am and I finally feel like I know the person that I am, flaws and all. I make no resolutions, I've lost the weight, smoking isn't an issue, and I found a way to let my guard down with someone, and so far its going well. I looked at old blogs in order to get dates and it turns out that its been almost 6 mo.the since my last relationship which is big to me because I was able to finally be ok being alone. Relationships have taken everything from me, while I thought I wasn't jaded, it turns out that I was.  I've dated, I've taken time to get to know someone without there being a rush. I feel that I'm ready and I don't want to miss out on him, we are not official (my choice) but I want my 2013 to be with him. I go into this year healthy, happy, and feeling loved and I'm loving it. The past is the past and some people have to be left there and while some people have been a crutch, I tossed the crutches aside way before the end of 2012. Time for my future.

Christmas Day

I had a really good Christmas.  I got 2 Presents, that turned out to be the same present.  I have been wanting this griddle/grill/panini maker/open grill/contact grill.  I told Aarris not to get me anything because he had already gotten me a coat but when he got out of the car, he got out with a gift in hand.  So this morning, everyone took their turns opening their gifts and when it was my turn, I got two really big boxes, one from Aarris and one from Mama and Wana.  I had a feeling I knew what Aarris had gotten for me and when I opened my gift from Mama and Wana, I was sure they were the same thing. Low and behold, that was the same thing, go figure.

Aarris fit in with the family just as  I thought he would.  It took him a little bit to warm up but he eventually did and he was the Aarris I see every time that I am with him.  I was glad that he came.  He really enjoyed himself.  When he left, he let me know that I am not going to go see him for two weeks,  that kind of sucked but it was nice to wake up next to him this morning and this afternoon after the itis set in.  All in all, it was a go time.  Mama said that I have a boyfriend even though I don't call it that.  I see it that way.  I like him a lot, I think there is great potential but again, I am in no rush for that.  I have a lot on my plate that I need to focus on and I can't focus on a relationship.

All in all, today was a great day.  I haven't had a real Christmas in so long.  There is nothing like being home.

Christmas Eve

So it’s Christmas Eve and I am at work. I so wish that I had some sick time because I really don’t want to be here and I am actually trying to get out of it which is odd because leaving will affect my check and I don’t do short checks. I just want to be home, I probably should sit my ass here till 10 but I am not feeling it. Tonight is the big night. Aarris is coming over and I am excited about it. Mama is making sure the siblings have the house together for my guest and well, it’s on. I really hope he has a good time with us.


Yesterday was one of the best days that I have had in a long time, my family was together and we just had a good time. Unfortunately, my dad had to head home this morning so I he won’t be here for Christmas, I talked to him on my way to work and he just went on and on about how much of a good time that he had and that made me happy. I am so glad to have had this time with them. I never get both of my parents in the same place at the same time. I just felt overly blessed yesterday.

Today is kind of a bitter sweet day. While I am happy to be with my family for Christmas for the first time in over 4 years, I just wanted to do so much more than what I was able to do. Right now, I am broke every paycheck because there were some things that I needed to put first so I did. Shopping was fun while it lasted. I am so close to being over this hump that I have been working to get over but it seems like the closer I get I start to feel just how long I have been working towards it and it gets old. 2/1/2013 will be the first free paycheck that I will have. I have other stuff that I need to do but all the pressing things will be behind me and I am actually going to take that check and do something for me. I haven’t decided what just yet. I think I am going to get my ps3 fixed and a laptop. I know it will be a good feeling. I also think that I need to make a point to do something for me at least once a month. I haven’t really been able to do much, I have been giving my whole checks to bills and it has gotten really old but it has been necessary for the bigger picture. Getting there just really sucks. I need something to occupy my mind with since my free time isn’t spent fucked up. Well, I am going to go find something to occupy my time till lunch. Till next time.

I need to change the title of my Saturday blog

I think this about the most consistent that I have ever been with blogging. I would say I am proud of myself but it is honestly due to boredom, The fact is, while I am at home, there is always something going on in my house, be it my siblings having people over or just chilling with the fam. I don’t spend too much time on the computer. I have to admit that it is nice to be able to have my moment to reflect so bored or not, I am grateful for my Saturday work day that is full of not working.


I can’t say that too much has happened this week. The highlight for me took place last night, my dad came into town. It was a rare moment for us, I can count own my hands how many times I have set in one room and watched TV and tripped out with my Mom, Dad, and Big Sister. My parents haven’t been together in as long as I can remember. It was kind of funny to see everyone struggling to stay up past their bed time and then blame it on old age. I tried to get out of working tonight, I was even going to work a day in place of today so that I don’t have to have a short check but I couldn’t get it approved. So my family is all together minus me and today is dragging (no different from any other Saturday). Tomorrow is about me and dad so I am ok; I have something to look forward too.

I don't have much to report about Aarris and myself. We are doing well and are still in this perpetual limbo that I am the sole cause of. I still feel like it’s for the best. This is most definitely the longest I have dated someone without living with them. It’s nice to have a honeymoon period, either I have never had one, or it’s been so long that I don’t remember it. Either way you look at it, it’s not a memory I possess. At some point I realized that I am more nervous about Aarris meeting my family. The funny thing is that I am not nervous about how he will interact with them or them with him. I am nervous about him not relaxing and just being himself but when I told him how I felt, I could feel him looking through the phone at me like “U tripping, if you don’t chill the hell out”. I don’t know what has me tripping but deep down, I know I am the one that is doing the tripping. I hate how I went from numb bliss to whatever the hell you want to call this.

In other news, mom and I are planning a trip for my birthday. I had planned on going back to California from the moment that I left. I wanted to make a point to see Rachel, Christian and the rest of my Cali fam as much as possible. That is still the plan but communication hasn’t been so great. I talk to Rachel the most but that is rare, I know it’s the time difference and just like but I swore to myself that I wouldn’t drift apart from my friends their but it feels inevitable. I am missing hanging out with Rach and talking about randomness. I am starting to feel about my Cali family, the way that I felt about my blood family while I was in California. Feeling like I am missing out on so much. Christian’s birthday is a little over a month away, I missed being there for Yachi as her mom finally took her niece and moved to Nicaragua, Karla was dealing with some family stuff and I wasn’t there for her. Plus I am missing out on being an honorary Asian because I got invited to most family events. It stinks and I don’t know how to find balance. I know that I can talk after work but I am at work for 10 ½ hours a day, I drive 2 hours back and forth to work a day, and by the time I get home, I just want to sleep. Something has to give, these people played such a big role in my life for so long and I miss them.

When I started writing I really didn’t think I had much to report but apparently I was wrong, O well, purging is good for the soul and the waist line (these are the jokes people) I have I have 2 hours and 19 minutes to kill so I am going to go find something to do to occupy that time. Till next time.

Big Steps, big excitment

I have been dealing a lot with my emotions here lately; more, the lack thereof and I think that I have come to some conclusions. I couldn’t figure out why I just wasn’t feeling anything for anyone and then all of a sudden I did. So Aarris and I had a falling out or whatever you would call it and we stopped talking and it actually bothered me that we hadn’t talked. I absolutely hate that it bothers me because I was rather happy not caring but apparently I do. Aarris and I seem to be going back and forth about the same thing he wants to commit and I am not ready to have a boyfriend. I think he is moving too fast and he thinks I am not trying to move anywhere. I think he is great, but everyone is great at first. He has been consistent in his behavior which is new to me. The only real complaint that I have is that he is talking about things that I really don’t want to think about right now. All that he wants from me I am willing to do, just not now and I feel really bad about making him wait but my relationships have been one big mistake after another and I just don’t want to do it again. I am actually about to make a big step. I am still not making anything official but I am going to let him meet the family. No one has met my family in years so this is a pretty big thing to me and he has no idea how big of a thing this is to him because my family can be pretty critical. I am excited surprisingly. We will see how he meshes with the circus I am happy to call a family. I think he will fit in just fine; he is as silly as the rest of us. We will see.


Side note, I am ubber happy right now. Friday, when I get home from work my dad will be there. I haven’t seen him since I flew down last August. I miss my old man so much. Every day I am reminded why I am so glad to be back home, not that I need to be reminded. I wake up happy. I go to sleep happy. I haven’t been able to say that in so long

Another Saturday @ work

I am back from a lunch that I didn’t get to eat on because I spent the entire time arguing. I don’t know what exactly the argument is about though. I guess there are a lot of possibilities. I have always felt some pressure from Aaris to take our relationship to the next level. I have always felt like I am focused on the now but he already has his future mapped out and his mind is already at the finish line. When I am around him, I love being around him until talks of the future begin and it turns me off and I just want to pull away and run. I can think of a million reasons as to why I run at any talks of commitment. Aarris acts as if we are a couple now, and I don’t want that and I don’t know why. I am attracted to him, and he is a really good guy but I just can’t do it, I thought I could but I can’t. Aarris wants me to be all in or to let him go and I am having a hard time letting go too. He gets upset with me because he feels that the way I currently am is because of my past and he is paying for it, while this is somewhat true, I like to think that my past just taught me lessons but I am not haunted by it. I just feel like I am becoming more emotionally numb by the second. I feel like if I don’t get it together I will lose him from my life. This same thing has happened to me 3 times already since I got here. 3 great guys but I couldn’t bring myself to throw caution to the wind and go for it. Some guys tend to have an issue with not knowing if a situation is going anywhere, go figure.


Here is the situation at hand. I find it small and not worthy of all that it has turned into. I will go ahead and put it out that there I have had a few relapses in the last few days. So Wednesday, I talked to Aarris throughout the day, and something was off in our conversation. He has a lot going on, and so was I. I felt like there was some attitude and usually that happened because he has reached the point to where he is ready for a commitment and he is tired of waiting and I conveniently avoid asking what’s wrong and I pull away too. All of a sudden our conversations stopped. During out lack of conversation, I sort of reached out to Deon, I hadn’t talked to him a in a few weeks and seen him for even longer. He asked me to come and I did. Up until this night I had been seeing Aarris exclusively. I did stay the night and I did end up sleeping with him. I don’t really feel bad because Aarris and I aren’t together and I can see who I want but I feel like it would hurt him if he knew even though he knows what we are. I got home around 6 the next morning, and I text Aarris good morning because he is supposed to be up getting ready for work. I mentioned that I had stepped out the night before and he got mad because I didn’t tell him. Now, I am not one to check in, plus the last text message was something that I sent to him and he never responded and I felt like if he wanted to talk to me he would have reached out to me. So he is upset, and starts talking about things that I know have been on his mind but he chose not to say anything and it pissed me off. He talked about how he hasn’t met my family or my friends and how he is tired of waiting. SMH, I had just dodged this bullet a month prior and I thought we were in a good place but I guess not. All this stemmed from me not reaching out when I left. I jumped on the defense because I didn’t find it that serious. If he felt like I was being inconsiderate he could have reached out to me, if u think about it, his ass wasn’t thinking about me till he found out that I went out. So I let loose with some things that have been bothering me like the pressure of being in a relationship. Anyhow, this situation has taken on a life of its own, I don’t really know what the argument is about right now and I am starting to wonder if I am using this as an excuse to bail. I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t feel I am ready to be with him and part of me feels like I am being selfish for holding on to him when I am so uncertain and I don’t want to be a or feel like an ass hat.

Unable to post, Bah.

The computer at home has been in the shop, its been so damn busy at work that I haven't been able to right, and I thought I had finally gotten my mobile blogger working but not till just now. It's funny, when I have a lot to say I can't log in and once I've forgotten all I've had to say. I'm 3 weeks in on my not smoking, only 7 more to go till I'm off the pateches. It seems so dang far away but its not so bad because not drinking keeps me from wanting a cigarette, in all honesty, I'm ready to quit spending money on patches. Oh well, it will all come to an end soon. I did try to drink yesterday but it wasn't remotely enjoyable for one it was nasty and for 2 I sat there worrying about my calorie intake like a weirdo (yes, I know I have become weird about my weight) but I can't help it, the weight is finally coming off and I have been wanting that for so long. My last doc appointment had me down 10lbs and all of my pants too big and i'll take it all with a big kool-aid smile. magically

Saturday Rundown

Things have finally slowed down as usual and what a week this has been. I was very productive if I do say so myself and I spent the entire week sick, every time that I thought that I was doing better, I’d turn around and get sick all over again. Not sure if I have blogged about it but turns out, I had an ear infection. My symptoms may or may not have had anything to do with the ear infection (at this point, I don’t really think all of them did). I had fevers for days, really bad headaches, and chills. To me, that sounds like the flu, which is why I credited my being sick to me being without my meds. I am not at 100% which does slightly concern me but I am close to it, I am feeling pretty ok right now on this wonderful Saturday. I got down and handled business. I finally got to see a Doc about being positive, and I am back to doing what I am supposed to be doing. I know it is stupid for me to put my health on the back burner but I didn’t know what else to do. I was in training mon-fri from 8-4:30 and there were no appointments available to me after work. I have no sick or vacation time so I couldn’t take time off because I needed my full check so I waited till training was done and I had a schedule that allowed it. I haven’t been without meds the entire time I have been back home, just the last 3 weeks or so but that is still long enough. My doc seems to be a pretty cool guy. He took me off the 3 meds I have been on for about 4 years and put me on a 1 a day regimen. I don’t know what it is but something about the change just made me happy, I think it’s because, every change that has taken place has been for the best and change just makes me feel like I am getting closer to my goal. Either way you look at it I am pretty happy right now. I ordered a replacement for my SS card, my birth certificate, and traded my California license in for a good old GA license. I feel like I am so close to shedding everything that was California and it feels so damn good.


I have to admit that I have been a little bummed about my Cali friends here lately. Maybe it was me being stubborn or maybe even prideful but after a few unsuccessful attempts and no call backs, I gave up on reaching out to people. I can’t be bummed about it and I am a strong believer in “out of sight out of mind” ,I don’t look at anything as being intentional but I just feel like what I didn’t want to happen has happened. Those daily conversations I was use to having no longer exist, I haven’t really made any new friends here and that is mainly because I am always at work and I am staying put the best I can so I can save or every friend I make has an ulterior motive. I am not mad at that though, I wanted to be ok being by myself and now I am. I have no co-dependencies and I so needed that. I am continuing on with my non-smoking lifestyle and somehow the desire to drink went away. Don’t get me wrong. I like my booze and I am not saying that I have quit but it’s no longer a constant in my life and I needed that and now saving has become something that is really important to me and that’s a new major change because usually, if I have been broke for a while, I find all kinds of stupid ways to justify spending money lol. New me, I will be in my own house by 31, now it the time I make the needed changes to make it happen. It feels so good to finally be happy.

Another Saturday of reflection

Another Saturday night at work and I think I have reached that time when calls stop coming through, 3 hrs and 51 min to go, yippy skippy. I still like my job and the people that I work with. All in all it was a good move, especially since everyone in my old dept. is scared about if they are going to have a job in the future. I would like to say that I have nothing to worry about when it comes down to that but considering some of the people that got laid off so far in the company had just taken new positions. I talked to my friend Jha’ron and my old manager and both of them were scared about their jobs. I will just count my blessings for being employed and not worry about it because if they do layoffs, there really isn’t anything that I can do about it.


Last night I didn’t stay home, I intended to but it didn’t work out that way. I wish I had made it home. Nene finally broke down over the loss of Josiah and I wasn’t there. Mama wanted to do something for her so she is taking her to Vegas in a week or so when they go. I wish I could have been there though, not sure what I can do to soften the blow other than just being there. I couldn’t imagine what it did to her emotionally the first time and for it to happen again, again I can’t imagine.

I managed to get sick so that shift is really blowing right now. I don’t know exactly what it is but I have a fairly good idea. I have had headaches for the last two nights and a fever last night and today accompanied by the chills. I think my lack of meds is starting to take its toll on me which sucks. Hopefully I am wrong and all of this will clear up by the time I come back to work on Monday. Thank God for Aariss he gave me that special sick attention that I need when I am sick and being a baby but last night, I wasn’t a baby. It was nice being looked after but he worries unnecessarily and he is really worried about me at this time. I kind of regret telling him about me being sick, I don’t want him to worry. But I did tell him, and on top of that he got to witness it. My intention wasn’t even to stay the night last night, I went over because he was dealing with some stuff and was down so I went over for support, I ended up taking a nap and when I woke up, my skin was on fire and then I was forbidden to leave. He is a really good guy and he is good to me, I just hope he can wait on me. I came up with a game plan. Aariss is who I want to be with but I can’t do it right now. I slowed down on all the extra stuff I have been doing I put my focus on being home. I have an apartment to prepare for, I have things that I need to focus on and while I am sure I can focus on them while in a relationship, I don’t want to and I am not trying to. I have expressed that I am not opposed to being in a relationship but I am opposed to it right now. I just hope he can understand. If not, it’s not meant to be.

The hardest thing I have ever done

Last night, I experienced the hardest thing that I have ever experienced.  I wasn't the one who had to endure it but I had to witness and I just couldn't keep it together.

Last night, I sat in a hospital room while my baby sister gave birth to her second premature child.  He came 7 months and 1 after the loss of her first.  I sat there and listened to my sister cry in pain and there was nothing that I could do.  I knew what was on everyone's mind and even though I didn't want to speak it, I knew what the outcome was.  The baby came before the pain meds or IV's could be put in.  I saw as his little feet came out.  When he came all the way out they placed him under a heating lamp type thing where we watched him take a few breaths.  We all got the chance to hold him, by the time he got to me, I am almost certain he was gone.  My older sister tried to console Jeremy (the babies father) because he was losing it.  I couldn't do anything but sit there and cry.  I couldn't imagine how this was going to affect my sister because I know that when she lost her daughter a few months back it really emotionally affected her.  I did finally get the strength to get up and look at the baby, he was 5 months old and all of his features hadn't formed but  every swore that he had his mom's nose and his dad's lips (I didn't see it). when we were all alone, my sister sat up and said,"I don't know what's wrong with me but I am not sad".  Maybe she came to grips with what was about to take place when the contractions started I don't know,  I couldn't possibly imagine what had gone through her heart and mind.

I woke up this morning hoping it was all a dream but as I got up to go to the bathroom, I saw her empty bed.  She isn't home yet. it just doesn't feel real.

No one said it was going to be easy

I went to sleep because I was a little upset about how this morning played out.  When I woke up, I came to the conclusion that everything that took place today is something that is what it is, and I need to come up with a game plan instead of sulking.  I can sulk all day but it doesn't change the hurdles that are in front of me currently and those hurdles still have to be dealt with, so I did just that.  I was able to tweak the action plan that I set in place slightly and I should still be able to obtain my goal with minimal delay.  Some how my choice to not smoke due to stress or drink my problems away gave me the drive to find a way to solve the problem.  It's not easy, but I have faith in myself and what I can accomplish.  This is what I wanted so this is what I am going to have.  When my goal is finally achieved, I will be able to proudly say that I did it, just like I was able to say, I made coming home possible.  I need to the lord to seriously keep me grounded because this is a long term goal so the focus and dedication has to be long term too and sticking with things hasn't really been my strong suit.  Correction, wasn't my strong suit, I am learning me and in learning me, I am molding me into the man I want to be.

Greatly Depressed

Today is the start of my "" weekend, decided that I was going to go and handle business like, getting a GA driver license.  Turns out, I have to have my birth certificate which I don't have due to the amount of moving I have done in the last couple of years.  I needed it today because I had to apply for a loan so I could pay for my meds which I have been out of for about two weeks now and in order to get this  loan I need a GA DL. I have no clue where it is at this point and the same goes for my social security card so now I have to go and get that taken care of which is going to take even more time so, I am screwed.  To make things worse, I got my credit report today and I have no idea how I am going to move.  I owe almost $2000 dollars for the place that me and the guy I use to date had together and this doesn't even include deposit, first months rent, and cable.  I really feel sick to my stomach right now thinking about it all right now and it sucks, everything sucks right now.  I think i am going to try and sleep it off before I am tempted to drown my stress away in booze.

another update

I have actually been trying to blog for a while but it just hasn’t worked out. For some reason, I can’t log into the blogger app on my phone and using the website on my phone is a pain in the ass. Today is my first day out of training and it is pretty dead, so I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to write. I had some profound things that I wanted to express but I can’t think of what they were lol. Guess they weren’t that profound. I finally feel like I somewhat know what I am doing at work. I still have a lot of questions but nearly as many as I once did. Dating life has slowed down for me. I am talking to two people. With Deon, it’s just sex and with Aaris I like him and he likes me and all that good stuff and maybe commitment will come into play but right now I don’t want to commit. It isn’t that I want to be a whore (not that it wasn’t fun), I just don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s emotions anymore. I am happier now than I have been in years and I credit it to me being single. If I wasn’t so scared of being alone I wouldn’t have gotten into the relationships that I got into and I wouldn’t have hated my life for so long. I know I made the right decision in coming back, I wish I hadn’t gone in the first place, I missed so much by leaving and gained so little. But, that’s life I guess.


One thing that I am super excited about is moving. It’s really nice having my mom as a stopover point. I get to be around my family a lot which is something that I took for granted when I first got here. I spent more time running the streets than I did at home but now that I have been staying put I have really been enjoying them. Being at my mom’s house also gives me the opportunity to prepare for my house like I want to. There will be no hand me downs, I get what I want and it feels good. I know it will feel even better to walk into my first place by myself. I am actually looking forward to being alone which was once my biggest fear.

Time to get it together

I don't know what to say about myself anymore. I have broken so many rules that I set for myself. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of fun doing it but there are some things I am not proud of. 1 thing about me that has been consistant for the most part in my life is that I don't do penetration unless I am actually with someone.  Everything else is fair game but not that.  Here lately, everything is fair game.  Maybe I am being to hard on myself but that was something I was proud of.  I have all kinds of messed that rule up.  I have kinda been a ho.  I came down here with the intent of just being single and being OK with that.  I have done just that.  I currently can't put a # on how many people I am talking to and that's mainly because I haven't tried too lol but there are 2 guys that I am really feeling right now.  Alonzo and Deon.  I wasn't looking for anything and I find it funny that most people have a hard time finding someone that wants more than to just fuck and I can't find anyone that doesn't get emotionally attached and its kinda aggravating for me because I don't want that right now.  So, I am going to slow myself down, and keep to myself for a min.  Sex is gr8 but it's not something that I need so I am going to focus on me and my family for a bit.

Life after Cali

I don’t think I have written since the big move.  I am back with my family in Atlanta.   Things have been going well, I started work but I still don’t have a clue what the hell it is that I do for a living at this point and it is week two of training.  I have made one friend in training and I am trying to get out of my old ways of keeping to myself.  I am sure there are some great people in here and I will work on continuing to grow as a person. 

Being back with the family has been great.  However, my brother and I aren’t speaking because of some stupid shit that I think I will fix today if he isn’t as stubborn as me.  I guess I have left a lot to the imagination for my mom though because my ass ain’t ever home. 

My dating life has been good.  I have been having fun.  There is one guy that I would seriously date and if I wanted to we would be together right now.  I just don’t really want to be with anyone in particular right now but even though I am fighting it, in the back of my head, I see myself ending up with him,  I am not telling him that or letting him know that’s what I think.  He already told me to take my time but I will be his.  I actually had a team lined up (don’t judge me LOL) and so far this one guy is the only one who has made the cut, Jae was my front runner till I met him face to face and his grill was fucked beyond repair and him touching me with his mouth was not an option, All I have to offer is a hug and my friendship to him.  Chaz was part of my top 4, fine as hell and he got booted off the list cause the sex was horrid (don’t judge me).  I don’t ever think I admired someone’s belongings during sex.  I honestly think he busted fast and tried to play it off but I couldn’t even fake that one.  Travon was also in the top 4 but he got real needy and we haven’t even met yet and that is why we won’t be meeting.  Then there is my # 1 J I am not going to mention him by name just yet.  I came to the conclusion that I am not putting his name out until I am sure. The others are I am sure I am not going there lol.  I can talk about how great a guy he is but I have done the prematurely in the past and they didn’t turn out to be so great.  I decided that he has to be around and still have me interested in 3 months before I bring him around my friends and 6 months before my family gets to meet him I haven’t decided how long I want to wait to make something official but it won’t be any time soon.  He knows that I am dating though and he is cool with it so we have gone into this with complete realness and I am hopeful but still not rushing.

All is good though.   I’m happy, healthy, hopeful, and more of the me that I once knew than I have been in a very long time. It feels good.

I made it

I made it to Atlanta after working towards it for so long. It is seriously bitter sweet. It doesn't feel real to me yet, California still feels like home. I know that isn't the case anymore but I can't help it. It's been great being with my family, I still get a little emotional when I think about just being with them. I really think that if I made it back home more often then California wouldn't have been as bad. It's weird though, I am around family but it's like being with strangers because I have missed so much and people change. My last day in California was rough as hell. I finally accepted the fact that I am still in love with Devin and missed him. I had to see him before I left and saying goodbye to him was so hard on me. I cried so hard, behind him. It was like getting the closure that I never got when we broke up the last time. I just held on so tight. He told me he had been going through it emotionally and it was like it was when I first met him, I just wanted to make it better. Well, I have to go get ready for bed. First day of work tomorrow.

Hard lesson, but one that was learned

I am feeling a little physically sick at the moment. My emotions are all over the place. Part of me wants to jump and holler and the other part of me wants to cry. Its official, I am leaving California. I leave on 10/28/2012 and it is so bitter sweet. I am going to miss all the people that have met here. I spent a lot of time unhappy here, but here lately, I have been happier than I have been in a long time and it didn’t require the presence of anyone. It feels good to be me, and feel like its ok to be me. Life is good and scary as hell but in the end, its my life and I am going to make the best of it. I got a raise to go with my new job, and I live in a place where the cost of living is nothing compared to here. I am stepping into the unknown again but this time, reliant on me for happiness.

Things falling into place

Yet again, it has been a while since I last wrote. In all honesty, not much has happened since the last time I wrote. Marcus and I are still done and it will stay that way, I have gone on a few dates and met someone that I actually like here which sucks because I am leaving, and O yeah, I felt up Rachel’s Zumba instructor (blame it on the booze). I didn’t have anything else of merit to report till a couple days ago. Two days ago I got the go ahead to apply for another position which was something I hadn’t planned on doing till Oct. Oct is right around the corner but still. I started applying and I found a position that I think I have a pretty good chance of getting. While I was planning on starting to apply in October, this job starts October the 1st and it really hit me that I am leaving. I have been really wishy washy about it all and I find that so weird because I have wanted this for so long. A lot has to do with all that I am leaving behind here. I have made some great friends here and created an extended family and now I am leaving it all. I know it is my life to live and not my family’s but I want my family to be physically apart of my life because I have missed so much and I feel like I put them on the back burner for something that didn’t even work out and now I feel stupid for it. It is a lesson learned, they are still there and he is not there in any way. I don’t ever want to put anyone over my family again. I got an email yesterday telling me that I got an interview. I am not sure of when, but I know they should be making their decisions next week. That’s about it for updates. I want to get together will all my friends but I haven’t figured out how just yet. Today I was driving in and for some reason my mind went to Devin and how it feels like just yesterday I walked off the plane to be with him and now his presence isn’t in my life at all and how even though I talked about never seeing him again and I did for a few brief moments a couple times but I feel deep down that I won’t see him ever again.

Where I stand

I guess I reached a state of depression. I don't really know what I think right now. Yesterday I was able to make the last stage of my plan possible, meaning I got new tires on my car. It was the last big thing I was supposed to have to pay for before I could start saving for the move. It was kind of a hollow victory. I never really thought about making this trip by myself, I never really thought about doing much of anything by myself. I really look forward to leaving california behind there are just a lot of negative memories here. I don't really know what the future holds for me. I guess at the ripe old age of 28 years old I gotta figure out who I am and what I want out of life. Relationships have been such a big part of my identity, I think it's time for me to get my own.

Losing it.

I have been so depressed since everything took place last Saturday.  The best I've been able to do is start taking my anti-depression meds.  I don't know where my head is.  Before everything happened I was content being alone, I was working on me and motivated.  I still don't feel like I need to be with someone but I feel so worthless yet again.  I can't find that drive that I had.  When I think of the future now, all I see is emptiness.  I know, I still plan on moving back home, I have resigned myself to being alone and it scares me.  I just feel like I'm existing.  I think what bothers me most was a man that said he loved me set out to hurt me and ruin me and in the process take everything I own with no remorse.

Truth Is

It’s been a while since I last wrote. A lot has changed and I have a confession to make. My blog was supposed to be for the sake of me venting but I didn’t really use it that way. In all honesty I was lying to myself and whoever, if anyone reads my blog. I didn’t lie but I did leave a lot of things out. My ex calls it, lying by omission so I guess I lied if you look at it that way. I am a strong believer in not putting out all personal business for the world to see. It is easier to put certain things out on my blog because there is only one person that I actually know that reads it, if anyone else reads it; they are people that I don’t personally know. The person that I do know, however, typically knows everything that is going on with me before I blog but in this instance, even she was left in the dark. What I posted about my relationship being great was true, that was when times were good. There were a lot of good times but when they weren’t they really weren’t. It wasn’t until last Saturday, I think it was 8/11/202, I realized that I was in an abusive relationship. I know it sounds stupid to say that I came to the realization. In all honesty, I looked at each incident and made excuses for him. I knew his actions were wrong but I was trying to sit there and figure out what I did wrong. He never apologized for any of the times that it happened and if he did, he would eventually retract it as soon as he got mad. I withheld this part of my life because I was intent on not broadcasting negativity about my relationship, I thought being more positive about it would make things better for me. It didn’t really work that way for me. I don’t really want to get into the events that took place on 8/11 too much. For one I don’t want to relive it and it’s quite a bit to type. In a nutshell though, because I wasn’t working on us living together again (I moved out after he jumped on me but my stupid butt was still entertaining the notion of continuing with our plans together). I told him my issues were that I didn’t feel the him getting physical would stop. He actually told me that he doesn’t regret things getting physical but he is sorry that it happened. Nothing about that statement makes any damn sense. He dumped me (I didn’t consider us together anyhow so I didn’t care) while sitting in the driveway of the house he is renting. I guess I wasn’t upset enough, I guess he had a problem with walking away being easy for me. It took me a really long time to get to this point. We both had a beer that night and after he told me he was done and how horrid of a person I am and that all my past break-ups (which he confirmed with all my ex’s because according to him he kept in contact with them) and our break-up is my entire fault too. I just sat there and listened, when he was done, I said, “I need to go” That isn’t what he wanted to hear. He refused to let me go, told me I had to stay with him because I had been drinking, mind u, I only had one beer. I decided to walk off. I pulled out my phone and he broke it. To make a long story short, he broke my tablet as well, took my keys, took my car, and busted my lip for the umpteenth time. The cops got called and he denied everything. He told them that the last time he saw me I had left in my car. They found my car behind a grocery store with no keys. Marcus took all my clothes that were in my trunk which I live out of. He even took the blanket I started for my niece that passed. Now I am sitting here with literally nothing. I spent the whole night walking around Anaheim because I had no one to call or a way to call. Marcus lied to Rachel and made the whole situation something that it was not. I never felt so alone and helpless in my life. I really need to go now. I hope to be able to xfer in October because my Cali experience is getting worse and worse.

Nothing new, just some updates

Life has been treating me pretty well here lately. I haven’t blogged anything for a while now. Nothing really major to report accept that on Monday which is the 23rd, Marcus and I find out if the other guy tested as a possible father for baby Jordan is actually the dad. If he isn’t, then the state of Oklahoma is going to pay to have Marcus tested which is a great thing because that shit is expensive lol. I still feel a lot of ways about the situation. I am not sure I am ready to be a parent but at the same time I want to be one. Not going to get my hopes up. I am just going to take it day by day. I know it has Marcus all fucked up. I can’t imagine all that he has to be feeling right now. I am very happy to say that all the debt that I was trying to get out of is officially behind me and I got my car repaired. I have one more major thing to do to my car which is to get some new tires but other than that it is all about doing well at work and saving at this point. I am trying to work as much OT as possible at this point. Its hard doing a lot of OT because I feel like I never see my baby and when I do see him, I am tired. I have to keep reminding myself that this is all for a good reason and I am not spending time with him now so that we can do whatever we want, when we want once we move to ATL. I have to admit, my car looks great. Somehow my dash got cracked while it was in their possession. They will be fixing it lol. Something not worth reporting but I will. I signed the papers for my divorce. It didn’t make me feel any kind of way accept annoyed that I had to pay $10.00 for it. Its over whoop di do, chapter closed. As it stands right now I am in a really good spot. I have a man that loves me and treats me well and I love him in return. I am excited about my future as a whole and with him. I am ready to leave California at this point, I miss my friends all ready.

The little things

I have some great friends. I don’t get to see them as much as I would like to but they are always there and always jump at the opportunity to spend time together. It feels good to feel like you matter to people. I recently lost a friend of mine and it upset me because I didn’t talk to him as much as I should have. He was sick for a while and he wasn’t always feeling up to talking but he was always there when I needed him. I am going to make a greater attempt to spend time with my loved ones.

Still Smiling

Things didn’t exactly go as planned for me when it came down to being out of debt with this last paycheck. I did clear up a substantial amount but not all that I needed. Its ok though because I know that it will get done. It didn’t mess up my schedule for getting things handled though everything is going to go as planned. Tomorrow I take my car to the shop and I won’t see it again until the 20th. I am really going to miss my car. I have to tweek some things financially because I ran across a unexpected expense yesterday when my car battery died on me twice. I kicked out $87.00 for a damn battery. I am glad it happened when I had money on me. I was actually going to pay off some of my direct deposit money yesterday and I am glad I didn’t because if I had then I would not have been able to get the battery and would have been really screwed. Things didn’t go as planned but I am still smiling. This accomplishment has been a real team effort for me and Marcus and me and I am so grateful to have him. We aren’t in the spot that we want to be but we have worked really hard to get out of the spot that we were in and the fact that we did it together as a team really makes me happy. He makes it really easy to be optimistic when I get down because he makes sure that I know that I am not doing it alone so I need to stop tripping. That’s my babe, I love him so much.

The little things

Often people take the little things for granted but it's the little things that matter the most. Most big arguments start because of little things. People seem to realize when the little things are no longer being done even though they never showed they appreciated them in the first place. I decided that when I blog I want to take some time to post about the little things that I am grateful for. My favorite little thing is how my baby reaches for me in his sleep. If I get up to go pee and lay back down I find his arms around me, his head on my chest, or his legs wrapped around me as soon as I return to bed. This doesn't just apply to me getting up to go pee lol. I love my man.

Mr. Swindell-Jackson

"Amazing" Oh na na na Oh na na na Oh na na na Everything I am, everything I was Has been elevated through the power of your love Everything I've lost, everything I’ve gained No longer makes a difference since you changed my name [Bridge:] Got my heart beat faster, I can barely catch my breath! Boy, your love took the pain from my chest! Now I look at us, Parallel to the stars Boy, you claim my heart, you’re so amazing! [Chorus:] You are amazing, When I thought that I had seen it all Came and shown me I ain’t seen nothing You are amazing When my back was up against the wall It was you that hit the restart button Took me to a better place, Showed me some better ways Now I should be living my life each and every day Been through so much, never thought that you exist But ain't nobody ever made me feel like this! You are amazing! Everywhere I’ve been, everything I’ve done All the money fails in comparison to the compassion you show me Every time that you hold me And when I’m in your arms, I can do anything for you [Bridge:] Got my heart beat faster, I can barely catch my breath! Boy, your love took the pain from my chest! Now I look at us, Parallel to the stars Boy, you claim my heart, you’re so amazing! [Chorus:] You are amazing, When I thought that I had seen it all Came and shown me I ain’t seen nothing You are amazing When my back was up against the wall It was you that hit the restart button Took me to a better place, Showed me some better ways Now I should be living my life each and every day Been through so much, never thought that you exist But ain't nobody ever made me feel like this! You are amazing! Through the ups and downs you never left my side I was lost, but you found me and saved my life I could have died, no love inside Before you I was stone inside But you made me feel again Boy, I swear you are amazing! Oh na na na Oh na na na Oh na na na [Chorus:] You are amazing When I thought that I had seen it all Came and shown me I ain’t seen nothing You are amazing When my back was up against the wall It was you that hit the restart button Took me to a better place, Showed me some better ways Now I should be living my life each and every day Been through so much, never thought that you exist But ain't nobody ever made me feel like this! You are amazing! Gave me a new life When you made me your wife Yes you did! And I love, love, love, I love you There's nothing I would not do for you…

WOW

In a few months it will have been a year since I met the man that I hope to spend the rest of my life with. No we have not been together this whole time but you will never hear him say that. Marcus will tell you, that I have been his since the moment that I met him. Due to certain circumstances you can look at that as sounding crazy but if think about it, it can be the sweetest thing ever said at the same time. I wasted a lot of time not taking advantage of what is right in front of me. Marcus is all I ever wanted and I will damn sure make sure that he knows it because I haven't done a great job of showing him this so far. All my friends have said they have never seen me like this before. Yes, we have had our drama and things have gotten out of hand but this was all due to there being a lack of appreciation for what I have on my part, and the same thing applies to him. I have a man that I can't wait to take home to mama.

The time has come

Its time for a lot of changes to come and its kind of scary.  Ill be out of debt in less than a week and be able to begin saving for the move back home.  The same day that I get out of debt I will be signing my divorce papers.  Soon, ill be leaving california behind.  I've been looking forward to this time coming for a long time now but now that its here its kind of saddening.  I must admit that my life is good now and I look forward to starting over with my man.  Things are going really well and I feel we will have a great life together.  Marcus helps subside the fear.  We got off to a great start and then things got really rough.  I will never say I agree with all of his actions but I understand where his head has been.  Marcus did some things that turned me off majorly but eventually I realized what it was that he was dealing with that I failed to see.  He loves me, I see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, and he shows me every day and even though I wanted all of the things that he gave me, I wasn't giving all of me.  I turned into the man I am about to divorce.  Once I put stuborness aside, it was easy to put myself in his shoes because I use to wear them.  I began to treat him how he deserved and all the craziness went away and for the most part its been heaven.  I can finally say that I have a man that makes me feel like I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.  A lot of people looked at him as a rebound.  In all honesty he has been what I wanted from the moment that I met him but I couldn't give him all of me because he didn't know all there is to know about me.  Now he does.  I look forward to our future and making plans. That time has come

A little sad

Its really happening. Things are falling into place.  Soon I will be leaving the place I've called home for the last 3 years and some people that mean the world to me.  I just don't want the friends that I've made here to end up like a lot of friends I have lost touch with.  I know everyones lives will go on, as well as my own and plans will be so much harder to make.  I just have to I just have to keep in mind that I am doing this because its what's best for me.  But damn, this is going to hurt like hell.

Bored out of my gored

So, I called myself being proactive. I have a game plan to be out of debt in the next few weeks so that I can start saving for the big move. For some reason my job is offering over time on a Sunday, so I signed up for a whole 8 hour shift. I have now been here for two hours and haven’t had a single call. It’s father’s day, I didn’t think there would be any calls so I thought, hey cool. I will sit at my desk and make paper stars all day. I get here and no one has the key to my drawer so I can’t access any paper. Then I thought, well I will sit, chill and eat sunflower seeds all day. Turns out, I ate most of them yesterday and it will take me every bit of 15 min to finish off the rest of the bag. We have internet access but we aren’t allowed to get on any sites (even though I am posting on this one, LOL) FML. 9 PM please get here ASAP while I still have a bit of sanity.

Cross Road

I may get the chance to be a father but I am not so sure I am ready.  This relationship I am in has been very rocky and I don't know its future.  I got back with my boyfriend, how I feel about him getting physical remains the same but a situation arose and I don't know how to deal.  Before we got together, he slept with an ex girlfriend who ended up pregnant.  We are not sure if the baby is his yet but two days ago we found out she died from a brain aneurism. She had been dead for 2 days before anyone found her. The baby was in her arms.  The baby is in ICU right now and we are trying to find the famly so Marcus' mom can do a DNA test (I didn't know a mother could do that).  If its his child, he wants the baby if its his.  He said,"if its my son, its your son too" to me.  I want kids some times and due to my status it will be too exspensive to have my own.  I may be getting ahead of myself but I can't stop thinking about it.  I am excited but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am also scared. We will just have to see how it plays out.

Self Worth

I don't know where my self worth went at. I know that a person has 1 time to put there hands on me and I need to walk away permanently after whooping their ass and not look back.  I walked away like I should have but I want to go back at the same time. What is wrong with me?

I don't want to exist at this point. Devin was right, I am pathetic. I reached out to Marcus when I did no wrong.  All I did was care about what he was dealing with.  He didn't care about his role in things. He actually told me to stop contacting him. He thought laying with me that night was apology enough.  I'm so fucking over men. I can't do it. 

So damaged

I care more about people that don't give a damn about me than I do myself. This is sad.  A man put his hands on me and I am worried about him being ok.

Go at it alone

Its done, im single again.  i had to walk away from Marcus.  The man thought it was ok to put his hands on me on more than one occassion.  I gave him a pass the first time he did it because I deserved it.  Every time after that wasnt ok.  No matter how often I told him not to, it didnt matter.  last night was it for me.  I had to leave.  I am back at Rachel's, thank God for good friends.  Now i don't have to wait so long to leave.  I only have to take care of me.  I need to save to send my car and for a plane ticket and get out of a couple payday advances.  i think ill be ok to leave in July.  Lord please get me out of Cali.  I so hate it here.

This is what I took from this album, not mistake

"Cry" Give me your hand, boy Rest yourself Put your head on my shoulders I'll be your help I know everybody says that we can’t be scared But you don’t have to be strong right now, no You can shed a tear So baby, cry If you want now, you can cry Put your pride aside Cuz it's just you and I Baby it’s alright, you can go and cry And it’s okay I know it’s hard Cuz it’s never easy, no Lettin’ down your guard But rest assured I’ll always be here You don’t have to worry, no Baby, shed a tear So baby, cry If you want now, you can cry Put your pride aside Cuz it's just you and I Baby it’s alright, you can go and cry And I’ll be there baby Baby, it’s hardly breathing So let me do, do what I came for Came for, came for you and me I’ll be there (I’ll be) I’ll be oh oh Baby, you can cry I said to put your worries aside Baby it’s alright, you know you can cry You can come and cry

I don't care how pathetic he thinks I am.

I'm pathetic because I wanted to be wanted by my man. I thought that things like this get better with time But I still need you, why is that? You're the only image in my mind So I still see you... around I miss you, like everyday Wanna be with you, but you're away Said I miss you, missing you insane But if I got with you, could it feel the same? Words don't ever seem to come out right But I still mean them, why is that? It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel But I still need to, why is that? [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/beyonce/i_miss_you.html ] I miss you, like everyday Wanna be with you, but you're away I said I miss you, missing you insane But if I got with you, could it feel the same? It don't matter who you are It's so simple, a feeling But it's everything No matter who you love It is so simple, a feeling But it's everything I miss you, like everyday Wanna be with you, but you're away I said I miss you, missing you insane But if I got with you, could it feel the same? It don't matter who you are It's so simple, a feeling But it's everything No matter who you love It is so simple, a feeling But it's everything More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/beyonce/#share

Rolling my eye's at life

I had a mini break down today. I just felt like giving up. I am so close to climbing out of this financial whole that I am in. Now Marcus is working so the financial burden is about to be lightened and that is great but I still have a couple of weeks to get through before that income is available. I know I will make it and everything will be fine but sometimes it gets so damn hard trying to be the strong one all the time. Trying to be the one to fix everything all the time. I know I will snap out of it. Well that is the game plan. I don't feel anyone should have to be strong all the time, it isn't possible. I am not going to pretend to be this fortified wall. I feel and right now, I feel frustrated. What frustrates me the most is Marcus finds a way to make my feelings about him and that shit ain't gone fly with me. I don't want my attitude to show with him, he has seen it but I don't like that part of me, but that is one sure fire way to make that side of me come out. That and someone trying to tell me how I feel. Let me have my moment and if anyone is going to tell me how I feel it's gonna be me.

Lost

Here lately I have posted some angry blogs. I feel bad because I said that would never be me again. In all honesty, I am lost. I am scared. I am going home, and leaving Cali. in ways it is a good thing because I will be with my family but I feel like I am running away. In all honesty I miss my husband. I miss the friend that he once was but I miss him. I put up a wall when we tried to work things out because I didn't want to hurt again and if that wall wasn't up I think we would still be together. We aren't together and that was the love of my life. I am trying to make things work with Marcus. I really do love him but he ain't Devin. I am trying to get past that because Devin is no longer mine. Maybe I needed more time before I got into something else. I was scared of being alone. He is a good man but I feel like he got the short end of the stick. I have to leave Cali though because I can't sit here with my husband being so close and there being nothing there. He is the reason I came here. In a min, I won't be able to call him my husband anymore and it kills me.

Realizations

I think I really hurt someone. There is no real reason to know for sure because if you met him, you think that he has no feelings, at least towards me. I said some really hurtful things. Things that I didn’t necessarily mean and also things that I knew were sensitive issues for this person. Again, he will never let on that it bothered him. I blogged about him and deep down I knew he read and check up on me. It came from a place of anger, but there is no need to go into that. It appears that he is going through some things right now. I once said I didn’t check up on him, but I read his blogs whenever he posted them. I was ear hustling too and I know that that he is hurting. No one else can tell, but I can. I think it is easier for me to tell because I am not on the receiving end of the “F” it attitude and I am I must admit that that part is a good feeling. Yesterday, I remembered why, I loved him in the first place and that is something I forgot a long time ago. I fell for him because he just wanted to be happy, loved, and appreciated and I thought that he was the best thing since sliced bread and if I did those things I would have my forever love. Things didn’t turn out that way. I was just something he settled for. I realized yesterday that I feel bad though, I know he is a good guy and his heart is always in the right place but he can’t find happiness. Then I realized that for some reason I am still in love with him. I don’t know why, It was never a mutual feeling if you ask me, but I can’t help it. That’s why I need to get out of California. I need to be as far away as possible to reduce any chances of running into each other to nothing. I still have that “he’s not him complex” and I hope leaving will make it easier to get passed this since I won’t have to see his house and car when I go visit friends because I won’t be visiting. Maybe I am running but it’s what I need to do to move on. I am angry at myself for the things that I said. I am angry at myself for knowing without a doubt that he is hurting right now and I realized that I have always had the ability to know this but how he acts when he is hurting isn’t easy to deal with because his attitude is jacked up and when you are on the receiving end of that its really hard to be understanding. I wish him great happiness. It’s been brought to my attention a few times that my interactions with Marcus are totally different than anyone has seen before. We have fun together, we play, and I smile a lot. I really should try holding on tighter to what I have because it is a good thing and he is a really good man. Something is holding me back. I know what it is but I just don’t know how to get past it. The it is me. I feel like I am looking for something still even though I have been getting what I need, I am still missing something. I don’t rely on him for my happiness I am happy for the most part but there is a big hole in my heart. Something that can’t be filled by attention, sex, or dating a lot of people. I had my fun, I got to get all my sexual frustrations out and taken care of. I got my self esteem back. I have drive and a goal but something just isn’t right. Not quite sure what to do but I really want this to emptiness to go away soon.

Yesterday

It's time to say good-bye to the biggest mistake of my life. It's time for me to be happy. Sometimes you forget that it's the little things that truly matter. For me, it's always been the little things. Call me spoiled because I am. I have always gotten what I want. I have never done without and if I did it was because I had too much pride to ask for help. There is nothing that my family and friends wouldn't do for me. I don't ask for much, but I don't have to. People are there for me and for them, I am so grateful. Yesterday a few things happened. On the downside, I think I realized that the person I am currently with may not be where I need to be. I accepted that maybe I do need to be alone and focus on me. Of course that is what everyone has always said but it really takes you coming to the conclusion yourself about what you need to do. I am not completely certain about my next move and me being the person that I am I have to analyze everything. That can be a good thing sometimes but sometimes you just have to leap. On the up side. I made a friend yesterday. We aren't friends yet, but we will be. I scowerd the internal job site at my job trying to find a recruiter that could answer all my questions, what I found was a recruiter who wants to help me with my transition to Georgia. I also found out that as of September 9th which is right around the corner I'll be able to post out of my position. Yes, everything is falling into place. Also yesterday, I think I officially got my friend back. I don't think I ever lost him but our relationship was most deffinately changed. This was a friend who has been there for me in ways that he really never had to be. Our relationship was questionable for a while and it was because of a 3rd party and it turns out that we are OK or we are getting there. It made me more than happy. Yesterday, I also spent time with my girls. It wasn't a pleasant situation. I met with a personal trainer and spent the entire time feeling like I was going to die. I can't say we really spent time together because while they were laughing. I was struggling to breath. I think it will get better though but I am not taking my ass out there today, I am going to rest. Yesterday ended with good conversation with someone I hope will become a really good friend. Yesterday was a good day and now it is time to close the chapter on past yesterdays for good and focus on new memories. The past helped sculpt me into who I am today, but I don't want to think about or remember the sculpting process.

Been a long time

I haven’t done a lot of writing here lately. There is a lot to report but I just haven’t been up to writing. Unfortunately, my sister lost her baby. It’s funny how I went from totally being against her being pregnant to being so excited to see my niece. Last week she went into labor at 4 months and the baby didn’t make it. I really hated myself for coming to California and giving my family up for a dude that is no longer even relevant in my life. I had missed out on so much already, and when there was an emergency, I was not there for my family. I am trying so hard not to beat myself up but it is very difficult. My personal life is much better. It’s not perfect but it’s good. Marcus and I were able to work through everything that went down that fateful night. I don’t really know if it is all worked out. Marcus isn’t really one to let things go, he lets them bother him. I know in the back of his head that night plays in his head over and over and he, just like me is filled with regret. I know I played my role but I can’t help but hold a hatred for my ex because I know that he doesn’t care about what he caused and I don’t even mean for me. I deserved what I got but Marcus didn’t deserve what he got. I can’t even say that it is a hatred for him that would mean I have some sort of feelings there and in all actuality there is none. One thing that I took from that debacle of a situation was the saying, “I once never knew you”. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what it means but it never really applied to me until now. I feel like I never knew him and the truth is, I don’t care. I did something that is a really big thing to me. I made love for the first time in about 4 years. I have never been with anyone in the penetration sense but people I have actually been with exclusively. 6 months later, I gave myself to Marcus. That was a mess of a situation. I was scared as all get out. To go from nothing there to a baby leg was not an easy feet. I did get my groove back, not quite back to throwing it like I use to but it’s a work in progress. I met someone new. His name is Mike and he is a really good guy. He’s the brother of a co-worker who is in need of friends so I let her pass on my number to him. I probably don’t need to talk to him too much because ole boy is one fine man. I know the feeling is mutual but I can’t go back down that road again. I have to say, that being single was a major confidence booster. Not to brag but the last three dudes I have pulled were the sexiest men I have ever been with all three the model type. Maybe I shouldn’t have let my last situation mess with my self esteem. I felt unworthy the whole time and I walked away feeling unworthy and after it ending I had people getting at me that had the ability to make you forget people’s names lol. I haven’t exactly become completely shallow. There is much more to say, but I am at work. I’ll write soon.

My baby

Damnable this is funny, I am so happy right now being at home but I feel like a big piece of me is missing. I miss sleeping next to and waking up next to my babe. I miss the laughing and joking. Now I hold a pillow at night instead of him. I don't know what to do at this point but sit and be patient. I cant wait to be in his presence again.

No longer scared

I am the happiest I have been in a long time. I am with my family for the first time in almost three years. I really don't want this trip to end because it will be 6 months before I can see them again. On the bright side though, when I see them again there will be a new addition to the family. I am currently working on a blanket for my new niece or nephew that I plan to finish before I leave. While I don't want to leave I am also ready to leave because I need to get back to work so I can start saving to come home and start saving to come home for good. Yup, I am letting Cali go and coming home. Its time to move on with my life and I am actually excited about it as opposed to scared.

Last Night in Cali

Well, I leave in a few hours for home. I have to leave without saying goodbye to quite a few people. I am going to miss Rachel and my boys. I won't get to say good bye because her niece just had her baby and she is being a great auntie. I get to say goodbye to Jha'ron though. I am excited but scared, I have so much to come back to and so much to stay home for but I know I will be back. I don't know how often I will post at home but I will try. Goodbye Cali. Till next time.

All is coming into play

All things are working out. My appointment went well, they only gave me off till the 15th of April though, which is fine, I can call and have my time extended if need be. I don't know how long I can be with my family because I know that I will get to a point to where I will be ready to leave not long after I get there lol. I just got my ticket, I am so ready to go. I am excited for the first time in a long time.

Update

I haven't blogged in a while; I said to myself that I would do it on a regular basis because I find it therapeutic. I have been off from work since last Saturday. I really needed the break and the time off really bad. I am really dreading going back but if all goes well, I will just be there for a day and then leaving for a while. I went to the therapist and she wrote me out for the entire week. God really looked out for me. I called out on Saturday because I was running late and I looked at it like hey, I am going to get an occurrence anyway so why not just call out. Then I had my appointment with the therapist and she deemed me severely depressed and took me off from work for the whole week. Now I have a doctor’s note so there isn't anything that they can do to me. I didn't want to use so much sick time but I had to because the therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist and that appointment is on this Friday, and the chances of me being able to take it off were slim to none so I just took the time off. Phase one of my plans to better me was to get out of having to work for a while and focus on myself while surrounded by loved ones. To do so, I wanted to get FMLA. I contacted my doctor, but he was not the one who responded to me, someone filling in did. She gave me some information and asked some questions but that was about it. I set up an appointment with mental health and the lady that I spoke with gave me some time off but she told me she wasn't able to do anything about FMLA and only a psychiatrist could. I was slightly bummed because I thought I would know if I could leave at that time. The next day, I got an email from my doctor and he said he was going to put in the paperwork for my FMLA. I was so happy. Tomorrow, I go to the psychiatrist and hope they will grant me the extended leave. If they do, then April 4th will be my last day that is if I can't start it before then. I am in a better head space than what I was when I first began blogging. I hate that things went down the way they did. I am still ashamed of my actions. I still feel like Devin was way out of line and I am so sorry that Marcus got hurt in the crossfire. It’s over though. I don't think I will ever speak with Devin again, and I doubt we will ever be friends again and I have come to terms with that. He did me a favor though when he told Marcus. He made me face the fact that I am living with something and I have to be fair to who I am with and myself. I got emotionally involved with someone without being honest. It was a big mistake and one I won't ever make again. I don't have to. Marcus doesn't hate me and that means a lot to me. I don't see myself ever going back to LA cause that was a pretty devastating night. I have a lot more to say, but I am going to hold off for just a second. I need to see where life takes me first.

Out in the open

Last night was a good night for me. I think my meds are no longer making me sleepy, well at least they didn’t last night. I hung out with Jha’ron which was nice considering we haven’t just hung out in a long time, even though I lived there before. My shower got fixed yesterday and that was pretty darn sweet if I do say so myself. I don’t know where life is heading at right now. Every emotion I feel seems to be magnified, be it good or bad.

Today was good as far as anxiety attacks go. I had a small issue with it but it didn’t last long and it was nowhere near as severe as yesterdays.

I kind of came to the conclusion that leaving California might be harder than what I thought. After moving into Jha’ron’s house and finding a way to make gas reasonable, some of the stress’ I faced last time around were less. I thought I would be a lot more lonely than what I have been. Devin and I still haven’t talked and I really don’t think we ever will again. I am not ok with it but there is nothing that I can do about that. I am counting down until Monday, I think that day will make or break my plans for the future, but either way you look at it I will be home for my birthday. I miss my family so much right now, I think my life would be so much better and happier if I was closer.

I am working on letting go of all the anger that I held. I am not longer angry at Marcus’ actions. I feel really bad for what I caused and what Devin caused. He had a right to know about me but it was not Devin’s place. It’s not really a shocker there, yet again Devin doesn’t think about how his actions would affect another person. Marcus is fine though. I had to check on him, I knew that he would go get tested the next day and I also knew that he would be fine because I knew that we were safe. Devin knew that too because we had talked about me not saying anything. I think what hurt me most was the fact that Marcus was just a casualty to him while he was trying to hurt me. I knew I could really lose my life that night. It’s something that I wouldn’t do to another person. But at the same time, I know a lot of people would say that they wouldn’t do what I did to another person. I can’t play judge or victim because I can’t. Let me take back that part about anger. I didn’t get to pack any of my stuff. I am missing clothes, cords, and my TV. I don’t get why people hold on to things when they want someone out of their lives. I don’t want conflict right now. I will just request it later.

I don’t know what to say about love right now. I have had it and I have lost it. I think I came to the conclusion that I am just not good at it or maybe I just settled for people that I wasn’t compatible with because of fear of being alone. I knew I wasn’t what Devin wanted but still I stayed and allowed both of us to be unhappy. This last time around I don’t think there was any effort put in, but I don’t think it was because no one wanted to put forth effort. I really think it was because no one opened their mouths and said, “hey, this is what I need”. It seems so simple but we just couldn’t get it together. I am pretty sure I am a running joke now, I am pretty sure I have always been.

I haven’t mentioned my countdown. My countdown to happiness. 13 Days to go.

Just Coping

I found something to be excited about strangely. I did not want a dog but somehow I ended up with one and I needed one. Her name is Lilly and she is the sweetest cutest thing. She is the daughter of my dog Noodle who ran way with his boyfriend Jack to never be seen again. It’s strange but all of a sudden, today I had this sudden urge to see her. I needed something to give my attention to and love and she loves unconditionally…….well she will once she knows she is stuck with me and has no other choice. Right now she runs away quite a bit.

Today didn’t start off so well for me. I have always had anxiety and depression issues but within the last few months its gotten worse. I don’t know what causes it but I am sure stress plays a role in it. Holding in a big secret can cause that I guess. Not feeling wanted in the place you call home is stressful. Constantly wondering what’s on your partners mind can cause that as well. Now, the only stress I have are the thoughts in my head and I guess that’s enough to throw my issues into overdrive. I had an anxiety attack that lasted from 6:49-11:45. It was unbearable. I was so relieved when it passed but I don’t feel all together better. Lord, I need Monday to get here faster.

A light at the end of the tunnel

I am so sick of my current situation. Trying to do something different at this point. I finally came up with a game plan. I needed this so bad. So the countdown begins. California hasn’t been completely bad to me but its time to leave for a while. I am counting down to my departure date. It’s weird how I welcome my long drive to work and the desire to sleep the day away. I get to escape my feelings and emotions and that is what I need at this point. The days are starting to run together and the only real reminder of the countdown that I have is a widget. I think this will be the best birthday I have had in a long time this year. I don’t think I could ask for more than the gift I am about to get. Iife isn’t good right now, but right now, it doesn’t completely suck either.

My Side

I know everyone thinks I am some sort of monster now. Maybe I am. I have no excuses for my actions and I accept everything that I am going through and will go through because of my actions because I deserve them. My side will never be heard but I would at least like to get it out there so that I can close this chapter of my life and find a way to move on.

I was in love with my husband Devin for a very long time before we finally got together but he never wanted anything to do with me. I was miserable in my current situation with my ex. I didn’t want the relationship to go where it did but due to circumstances we ended up living together when I wasn’t ready to and didn’t want to. We weren’t compatible at all, he annoyed me, and worst of all we worked together. I began to drink heavily and some really bad things happened. Devin finally started to show interest out of the clear blue sky and I was elated. Devin came down to visit and it felt like home. We made love and the connection was so strong. Eventually I decided to move to California for him. I let my ex Micah know that I was leaving to be with Devin. Of course there was some drama that took place but this isn’t about that relationship. One thing about Micah is that he was always right, he said something to me that stuck with me and part of me already thought it was true. Micah said,” he only wants to be with you because he is lonely”. I had already thought that was the case because, what other reason did he have for not wanting anything to do with me on that level when he had been dating. I just wasn’t what he wanted.

I moved to California and it was rough pretty much from the start. I was sick and depressed. As always I medicated myself with alcohol. There was this one incident where I mixed alcohol with anti-depressants and lost my mind. I don’t remember much about that day, I know that it got really bad. If anything Devin should have sent my ass packing back home but he didn’t. It happened another time and it was even worse the second time. I spent most of our relationship miserable but I didn’t really know why. Eventually we stopped having sex, stopped talking, and stopped even being friends. For the longest time I felt that what we had he wanted but he didn’t want it with me. He wanted it with someone from his past. Eventually I felt like nothing I did was appreciated and he didn’t care if he was with me or not. Eventually I came to the conclusion that reality had set in with him and he realized that he didn’t want to be with me, he only gave me a chance because he was lonely.

Devin and I continued to drift apart. There was no affection at all. I became needy because I was always home alone and when he came home I didn’t have him. I spent so much time by myself that when he came home I wanted to be with him and up under him but that’s not what he wanted. I constantly felt rejected. Eventually I met Dennis. He gave me the attention that I was missing. He wanted to talk to me. We lived nowhere near each other but he gave me that affection that I needed even though I couldn’t touch him. Our relationship grew as my marriage seemed to drift further and further apart. Devin found out about Dennis, I lied. I didn’t want to let Dennis go because he made me not feel lonely anymore. I had been open with Devin on how I felt and he did nothing about it and letting Dennis go meant I was going back to feeling alone and unwanted. I didn’t want to leave Devin, I wanted it to be him that made me feel complete but instead it was someone else.

Devin and I finally ended in a big physical fight. Dennis thought this was our chance to be together but at this point I no longer had the desire to be with him. I don’t think I ever really did, our relationship was cool until it had the potential to be real. I didn’t want it to be real. I wanted my husband and no one could understand why I would want to be with someone that I was unhappy with. The fact was, I wanted to be happy with him and only him. I can’t candy coat it. I used Dennis for what I needed but didn’t want anymore. I allowed him to fall in love with me, and yes, I had feelings for him but not the same ones he shared.

Marcus came into the picture after my break up with Devin. He was everything I wanted and needed. I couldn’t give my all because I have HIV and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Everything we did was safe but I still didn’t give him the chance to choose and for that I was so wrong. I was never really concerned about passing it on to him. He dumped me because I was hung up on my husband. I was hung up on the love that I knew we could have and the past that wasn’t all bad. I knew I could never really be with Marcus because I really couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I will never know if he could have handled it if I were upfront. I was selfish. Devin decided to give us a chance. Marcus and I had ended and I didn’t feel I had anything to lose but at the same time I felt Devin wanted to get back together because it was easier to do it together financially, again, I really didn’t feel like he really wanted to be with me. I knew his issues, he knew mine, we knew we had love for each other, and we both had jobs so why not. Things didn’t really feel right to me, Marcus was still on my mind because I had felt that he wanted me. Marcus resurfaced. Marcus still wanted me. He made me feel wanted and I really didn’t feel like Devin wanted to be with me, it turns out that it was just a communication breakdown. I couldn’t really be with Marcus because he still didn’t know and Devin came to the conclusion that it wasn’t going to work. Marcus got upset with me because I brought up a situation with his baby mama. He decided he wanted to go through my phone. He took my keys and would not give them back unless I let him go through my phone. Marcus read text and Called Devin, for what reason I don’t really know. Devin and I had broken up at this point. The initial comments made when the conversation began we not all truthful. Devin decided to disclose my status for me out of anger and the night turned to hell. I don’t know how their conversation played out. I was choked and punched in the face. I deserved it but strongly feel it wasn’t Devin’s place. Devin put me in a position where I could have lost my life that day. I have lived in fear since.

That’s a rundown of my side of things. If I went into more and more details I would be writing forever. Now I have no one in my life at this point. I am most hated and I deserve it. The thing is, and I realized this. I am scared of being alone. At this point I don’t think I care who I am with, I just don’t want to be alone. I was reminded that night that everything went down that I am sick. I was publicly humiliated. Called nasty and diseased. The ignorance that was yelled at me was the reason I was reluctant to say anything. Marcus’ aunt screamed about me cooking for them and them drinking after me and how the whole family needed to be tested. I will never say I was in the right. I will say that a lot was done out of spite. Devin knew he didn’t know.

I am not mad at anyone. I have feared for my life. I have contemplated taking my life which is something I have never done. It scared me. It’s time for me to disappear for a while. I’ll continue to blog, but I need to remove myself from everything that I have going on in my life. I need to regroup and say good bye to hope and California for a while.

get away

I really think I'm beginning to lose it, I deserve it. Today I scared myself, I began to think about death and I welcomed it. I would never take my own life but I don't want to live it anymore. Tired of existing but existing is all I am. There has to be more to life than this box of misery that I live in. There has to be another escape other than escaping life itself. I need help, my life is no longer my own, I don't know if it ever has been. With me comes pain to anyone I surround. Its time to get away. I need to get away.

A feeling

I’m waiting for them to come. I’m waiting for it to all end. I don’t think I will wait for too long. I believe 27 is the end.

First night alone

Well, I had my first night alone. It didn't suck as bad as I thought but it also wasn't the best. I am up at the ass crack of dawn at my new place getting ready for work but I have no desire to be up. I just want to sleep. I am trying to snap out of this mood I am in but it hasn't worked so far. I still don't think everything has hit me yet but I still don't feel sorry for myself. I cant really. I am just going to throw myself into work to try and occupy my mind. In the boredom that is my job, maybe a game plan will come to me. Let me go get ready for my new temporary life.

Having a moment

I am trying really hard not to figure out what I feel. I don't think the loneliness has set in just yet but I am sure it will on my birthday when I am spending it alone. I want to reach out and apologies but truth is no wants to hear what I have to say. I don't blame them. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I have ever known what the hell I am doing. I don't want to get blog happy. I think I just need some time to think.

O WOW. WHAT HAVE I DONE

My life seems to be changing yet again. So much has happened since October and now I don't know what to do. I have royally fucked up. I lost 3 people who meant a lot to me because I don't know what the hell I am doing. I cant play the victim if I never have love again because I have had it and I have fucked it up. I cant play the victim anymore. I haven't treated anyone the way I would want to be treated and I have hurt a lot of people and its my turn to hurt. I don't want it but I have come to the realization that I deserve what is to come. Lord be with me even though I don't deserve it.