All is coming into play

All things are working out. My appointment went well, they only gave me off till the 15th of April though, which is fine, I can call and have my time extended if need be. I don't know how long I can be with my family because I know that I will get to a point to where I will be ready to leave not long after I get there lol. I just got my ticket, I am so ready to go. I am excited for the first time in a long time.

Update

I haven't blogged in a while; I said to myself that I would do it on a regular basis because I find it therapeutic. I have been off from work since last Saturday. I really needed the break and the time off really bad. I am really dreading going back but if all goes well, I will just be there for a day and then leaving for a while. I went to the therapist and she wrote me out for the entire week. God really looked out for me. I called out on Saturday because I was running late and I looked at it like hey, I am going to get an occurrence anyway so why not just call out. Then I had my appointment with the therapist and she deemed me severely depressed and took me off from work for the whole week. Now I have a doctor’s note so there isn't anything that they can do to me. I didn't want to use so much sick time but I had to because the therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist and that appointment is on this Friday, and the chances of me being able to take it off were slim to none so I just took the time off. Phase one of my plans to better me was to get out of having to work for a while and focus on myself while surrounded by loved ones. To do so, I wanted to get FMLA. I contacted my doctor, but he was not the one who responded to me, someone filling in did. She gave me some information and asked some questions but that was about it. I set up an appointment with mental health and the lady that I spoke with gave me some time off but she told me she wasn't able to do anything about FMLA and only a psychiatrist could. I was slightly bummed because I thought I would know if I could leave at that time. The next day, I got an email from my doctor and he said he was going to put in the paperwork for my FMLA. I was so happy. Tomorrow, I go to the psychiatrist and hope they will grant me the extended leave. If they do, then April 4th will be my last day that is if I can't start it before then. I am in a better head space than what I was when I first began blogging. I hate that things went down the way they did. I am still ashamed of my actions. I still feel like Devin was way out of line and I am so sorry that Marcus got hurt in the crossfire. It’s over though. I don't think I will ever speak with Devin again, and I doubt we will ever be friends again and I have come to terms with that. He did me a favor though when he told Marcus. He made me face the fact that I am living with something and I have to be fair to who I am with and myself. I got emotionally involved with someone without being honest. It was a big mistake and one I won't ever make again. I don't have to. Marcus doesn't hate me and that means a lot to me. I don't see myself ever going back to LA cause that was a pretty devastating night. I have a lot more to say, but I am going to hold off for just a second. I need to see where life takes me first.

Out in the open

Last night was a good night for me. I think my meds are no longer making me sleepy, well at least they didn’t last night. I hung out with Jha’ron which was nice considering we haven’t just hung out in a long time, even though I lived there before. My shower got fixed yesterday and that was pretty darn sweet if I do say so myself. I don’t know where life is heading at right now. Every emotion I feel seems to be magnified, be it good or bad.

Today was good as far as anxiety attacks go. I had a small issue with it but it didn’t last long and it was nowhere near as severe as yesterdays.

I kind of came to the conclusion that leaving California might be harder than what I thought. After moving into Jha’ron’s house and finding a way to make gas reasonable, some of the stress’ I faced last time around were less. I thought I would be a lot more lonely than what I have been. Devin and I still haven’t talked and I really don’t think we ever will again. I am not ok with it but there is nothing that I can do about that. I am counting down until Monday, I think that day will make or break my plans for the future, but either way you look at it I will be home for my birthday. I miss my family so much right now, I think my life would be so much better and happier if I was closer.

I am working on letting go of all the anger that I held. I am not longer angry at Marcus’ actions. I feel really bad for what I caused and what Devin caused. He had a right to know about me but it was not Devin’s place. It’s not really a shocker there, yet again Devin doesn’t think about how his actions would affect another person. Marcus is fine though. I had to check on him, I knew that he would go get tested the next day and I also knew that he would be fine because I knew that we were safe. Devin knew that too because we had talked about me not saying anything. I think what hurt me most was the fact that Marcus was just a casualty to him while he was trying to hurt me. I knew I could really lose my life that night. It’s something that I wouldn’t do to another person. But at the same time, I know a lot of people would say that they wouldn’t do what I did to another person. I can’t play judge or victim because I can’t. Let me take back that part about anger. I didn’t get to pack any of my stuff. I am missing clothes, cords, and my TV. I don’t get why people hold on to things when they want someone out of their lives. I don’t want conflict right now. I will just request it later.

I don’t know what to say about love right now. I have had it and I have lost it. I think I came to the conclusion that I am just not good at it or maybe I just settled for people that I wasn’t compatible with because of fear of being alone. I knew I wasn’t what Devin wanted but still I stayed and allowed both of us to be unhappy. This last time around I don’t think there was any effort put in, but I don’t think it was because no one wanted to put forth effort. I really think it was because no one opened their mouths and said, “hey, this is what I need”. It seems so simple but we just couldn’t get it together. I am pretty sure I am a running joke now, I am pretty sure I have always been.

I haven’t mentioned my countdown. My countdown to happiness. 13 Days to go.

Just Coping

I found something to be excited about strangely. I did not want a dog but somehow I ended up with one and I needed one. Her name is Lilly and she is the sweetest cutest thing. She is the daughter of my dog Noodle who ran way with his boyfriend Jack to never be seen again. It’s strange but all of a sudden, today I had this sudden urge to see her. I needed something to give my attention to and love and she loves unconditionally…….well she will once she knows she is stuck with me and has no other choice. Right now she runs away quite a bit.

Today didn’t start off so well for me. I have always had anxiety and depression issues but within the last few months its gotten worse. I don’t know what causes it but I am sure stress plays a role in it. Holding in a big secret can cause that I guess. Not feeling wanted in the place you call home is stressful. Constantly wondering what’s on your partners mind can cause that as well. Now, the only stress I have are the thoughts in my head and I guess that’s enough to throw my issues into overdrive. I had an anxiety attack that lasted from 6:49-11:45. It was unbearable. I was so relieved when it passed but I don’t feel all together better. Lord, I need Monday to get here faster.

A light at the end of the tunnel

I am so sick of my current situation. Trying to do something different at this point. I finally came up with a game plan. I needed this so bad. So the countdown begins. California hasn’t been completely bad to me but its time to leave for a while. I am counting down to my departure date. It’s weird how I welcome my long drive to work and the desire to sleep the day away. I get to escape my feelings and emotions and that is what I need at this point. The days are starting to run together and the only real reminder of the countdown that I have is a widget. I think this will be the best birthday I have had in a long time this year. I don’t think I could ask for more than the gift I am about to get. Iife isn’t good right now, but right now, it doesn’t completely suck either.

My Side

I know everyone thinks I am some sort of monster now. Maybe I am. I have no excuses for my actions and I accept everything that I am going through and will go through because of my actions because I deserve them. My side will never be heard but I would at least like to get it out there so that I can close this chapter of my life and find a way to move on.

I was in love with my husband Devin for a very long time before we finally got together but he never wanted anything to do with me. I was miserable in my current situation with my ex. I didn’t want the relationship to go where it did but due to circumstances we ended up living together when I wasn’t ready to and didn’t want to. We weren’t compatible at all, he annoyed me, and worst of all we worked together. I began to drink heavily and some really bad things happened. Devin finally started to show interest out of the clear blue sky and I was elated. Devin came down to visit and it felt like home. We made love and the connection was so strong. Eventually I decided to move to California for him. I let my ex Micah know that I was leaving to be with Devin. Of course there was some drama that took place but this isn’t about that relationship. One thing about Micah is that he was always right, he said something to me that stuck with me and part of me already thought it was true. Micah said,” he only wants to be with you because he is lonely”. I had already thought that was the case because, what other reason did he have for not wanting anything to do with me on that level when he had been dating. I just wasn’t what he wanted.

I moved to California and it was rough pretty much from the start. I was sick and depressed. As always I medicated myself with alcohol. There was this one incident where I mixed alcohol with anti-depressants and lost my mind. I don’t remember much about that day, I know that it got really bad. If anything Devin should have sent my ass packing back home but he didn’t. It happened another time and it was even worse the second time. I spent most of our relationship miserable but I didn’t really know why. Eventually we stopped having sex, stopped talking, and stopped even being friends. For the longest time I felt that what we had he wanted but he didn’t want it with me. He wanted it with someone from his past. Eventually I felt like nothing I did was appreciated and he didn’t care if he was with me or not. Eventually I came to the conclusion that reality had set in with him and he realized that he didn’t want to be with me, he only gave me a chance because he was lonely.

Devin and I continued to drift apart. There was no affection at all. I became needy because I was always home alone and when he came home I didn’t have him. I spent so much time by myself that when he came home I wanted to be with him and up under him but that’s not what he wanted. I constantly felt rejected. Eventually I met Dennis. He gave me the attention that I was missing. He wanted to talk to me. We lived nowhere near each other but he gave me that affection that I needed even though I couldn’t touch him. Our relationship grew as my marriage seemed to drift further and further apart. Devin found out about Dennis, I lied. I didn’t want to let Dennis go because he made me not feel lonely anymore. I had been open with Devin on how I felt and he did nothing about it and letting Dennis go meant I was going back to feeling alone and unwanted. I didn’t want to leave Devin, I wanted it to be him that made me feel complete but instead it was someone else.

Devin and I finally ended in a big physical fight. Dennis thought this was our chance to be together but at this point I no longer had the desire to be with him. I don’t think I ever really did, our relationship was cool until it had the potential to be real. I didn’t want it to be real. I wanted my husband and no one could understand why I would want to be with someone that I was unhappy with. The fact was, I wanted to be happy with him and only him. I can’t candy coat it. I used Dennis for what I needed but didn’t want anymore. I allowed him to fall in love with me, and yes, I had feelings for him but not the same ones he shared.

Marcus came into the picture after my break up with Devin. He was everything I wanted and needed. I couldn’t give my all because I have HIV and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Everything we did was safe but I still didn’t give him the chance to choose and for that I was so wrong. I was never really concerned about passing it on to him. He dumped me because I was hung up on my husband. I was hung up on the love that I knew we could have and the past that wasn’t all bad. I knew I could never really be with Marcus because I really couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I will never know if he could have handled it if I were upfront. I was selfish. Devin decided to give us a chance. Marcus and I had ended and I didn’t feel I had anything to lose but at the same time I felt Devin wanted to get back together because it was easier to do it together financially, again, I really didn’t feel like he really wanted to be with me. I knew his issues, he knew mine, we knew we had love for each other, and we both had jobs so why not. Things didn’t really feel right to me, Marcus was still on my mind because I had felt that he wanted me. Marcus resurfaced. Marcus still wanted me. He made me feel wanted and I really didn’t feel like Devin wanted to be with me, it turns out that it was just a communication breakdown. I couldn’t really be with Marcus because he still didn’t know and Devin came to the conclusion that it wasn’t going to work. Marcus got upset with me because I brought up a situation with his baby mama. He decided he wanted to go through my phone. He took my keys and would not give them back unless I let him go through my phone. Marcus read text and Called Devin, for what reason I don’t really know. Devin and I had broken up at this point. The initial comments made when the conversation began we not all truthful. Devin decided to disclose my status for me out of anger and the night turned to hell. I don’t know how their conversation played out. I was choked and punched in the face. I deserved it but strongly feel it wasn’t Devin’s place. Devin put me in a position where I could have lost my life that day. I have lived in fear since.

That’s a rundown of my side of things. If I went into more and more details I would be writing forever. Now I have no one in my life at this point. I am most hated and I deserve it. The thing is, and I realized this. I am scared of being alone. At this point I don’t think I care who I am with, I just don’t want to be alone. I was reminded that night that everything went down that I am sick. I was publicly humiliated. Called nasty and diseased. The ignorance that was yelled at me was the reason I was reluctant to say anything. Marcus’ aunt screamed about me cooking for them and them drinking after me and how the whole family needed to be tested. I will never say I was in the right. I will say that a lot was done out of spite. Devin knew he didn’t know.

I am not mad at anyone. I have feared for my life. I have contemplated taking my life which is something I have never done. It scared me. It’s time for me to disappear for a while. I’ll continue to blog, but I need to remove myself from everything that I have going on in my life. I need to regroup and say good bye to hope and California for a while.

get away

I really think I'm beginning to lose it, I deserve it. Today I scared myself, I began to think about death and I welcomed it. I would never take my own life but I don't want to live it anymore. Tired of existing but existing is all I am. There has to be more to life than this box of misery that I live in. There has to be another escape other than escaping life itself. I need help, my life is no longer my own, I don't know if it ever has been. With me comes pain to anyone I surround. Its time to get away. I need to get away.

A feeling

I’m waiting for them to come. I’m waiting for it to all end. I don’t think I will wait for too long. I believe 27 is the end.

First night alone

Well, I had my first night alone. It didn't suck as bad as I thought but it also wasn't the best. I am up at the ass crack of dawn at my new place getting ready for work but I have no desire to be up. I just want to sleep. I am trying to snap out of this mood I am in but it hasn't worked so far. I still don't think everything has hit me yet but I still don't feel sorry for myself. I cant really. I am just going to throw myself into work to try and occupy my mind. In the boredom that is my job, maybe a game plan will come to me. Let me go get ready for my new temporary life.

Having a moment

I am trying really hard not to figure out what I feel. I don't think the loneliness has set in just yet but I am sure it will on my birthday when I am spending it alone. I want to reach out and apologies but truth is no wants to hear what I have to say. I don't blame them. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I have ever known what the hell I am doing. I don't want to get blog happy. I think I just need some time to think.

O WOW. WHAT HAVE I DONE

My life seems to be changing yet again. So much has happened since October and now I don't know what to do. I have royally fucked up. I lost 3 people who meant a lot to me because I don't know what the hell I am doing. I cant play the victim if I never have love again because I have had it and I have fucked it up. I cant play the victim anymore. I haven't treated anyone the way I would want to be treated and I have hurt a lot of people and its my turn to hurt. I don't want it but I have come to the realization that I deserve what is to come. Lord be with me even though I don't deserve it.