This is what I took from this album, not mistake

"Cry" Give me your hand, boy Rest yourself Put your head on my shoulders I'll be your help I know everybody says that we can’t be scared But you don’t have to be strong right now, no You can shed a tear So baby, cry If you want now, you can cry Put your pride aside Cuz it's just you and I Baby it’s alright, you can go and cry And it’s okay I know it’s hard Cuz it’s never easy, no Lettin’ down your guard But rest assured I’ll always be here You don’t have to worry, no Baby, shed a tear So baby, cry If you want now, you can cry Put your pride aside Cuz it's just you and I Baby it’s alright, you can go and cry And I’ll be there baby Baby, it’s hardly breathing So let me do, do what I came for Came for, came for you and me I’ll be there (I’ll be) I’ll be oh oh Baby, you can cry I said to put your worries aside Baby it’s alright, you know you can cry You can come and cry

I don't care how pathetic he thinks I am.

I'm pathetic because I wanted to be wanted by my man. I thought that things like this get better with time But I still need you, why is that? You're the only image in my mind So I still see you... around I miss you, like everyday Wanna be with you, but you're away Said I miss you, missing you insane But if I got with you, could it feel the same? Words don't ever seem to come out right But I still mean them, why is that? It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel But I still need to, why is that? [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/beyonce/i_miss_you.html ] I miss you, like everyday Wanna be with you, but you're away I said I miss you, missing you insane But if I got with you, could it feel the same? It don't matter who you are It's so simple, a feeling But it's everything No matter who you love It is so simple, a feeling But it's everything I miss you, like everyday Wanna be with you, but you're away I said I miss you, missing you insane But if I got with you, could it feel the same? It don't matter who you are It's so simple, a feeling But it's everything No matter who you love It is so simple, a feeling But it's everything More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/beyonce/#share

Rolling my eye's at life

I had a mini break down today. I just felt like giving up. I am so close to climbing out of this financial whole that I am in. Now Marcus is working so the financial burden is about to be lightened and that is great but I still have a couple of weeks to get through before that income is available. I know I will make it and everything will be fine but sometimes it gets so damn hard trying to be the strong one all the time. Trying to be the one to fix everything all the time. I know I will snap out of it. Well that is the game plan. I don't feel anyone should have to be strong all the time, it isn't possible. I am not going to pretend to be this fortified wall. I feel and right now, I feel frustrated. What frustrates me the most is Marcus finds a way to make my feelings about him and that shit ain't gone fly with me. I don't want my attitude to show with him, he has seen it but I don't like that part of me, but that is one sure fire way to make that side of me come out. That and someone trying to tell me how I feel. Let me have my moment and if anyone is going to tell me how I feel it's gonna be me.

Lost

Here lately I have posted some angry blogs. I feel bad because I said that would never be me again. In all honesty, I am lost. I am scared. I am going home, and leaving Cali. in ways it is a good thing because I will be with my family but I feel like I am running away. In all honesty I miss my husband. I miss the friend that he once was but I miss him. I put up a wall when we tried to work things out because I didn't want to hurt again and if that wall wasn't up I think we would still be together. We aren't together and that was the love of my life. I am trying to make things work with Marcus. I really do love him but he ain't Devin. I am trying to get past that because Devin is no longer mine. Maybe I needed more time before I got into something else. I was scared of being alone. He is a good man but I feel like he got the short end of the stick. I have to leave Cali though because I can't sit here with my husband being so close and there being nothing there. He is the reason I came here. In a min, I won't be able to call him my husband anymore and it kills me.

Realizations

I think I really hurt someone. There is no real reason to know for sure because if you met him, you think that he has no feelings, at least towards me. I said some really hurtful things. Things that I didn’t necessarily mean and also things that I knew were sensitive issues for this person. Again, he will never let on that it bothered him. I blogged about him and deep down I knew he read and check up on me. It came from a place of anger, but there is no need to go into that. It appears that he is going through some things right now. I once said I didn’t check up on him, but I read his blogs whenever he posted them. I was ear hustling too and I know that that he is hurting. No one else can tell, but I can. I think it is easier for me to tell because I am not on the receiving end of the “F” it attitude and I am I must admit that that part is a good feeling. Yesterday, I remembered why, I loved him in the first place and that is something I forgot a long time ago. I fell for him because he just wanted to be happy, loved, and appreciated and I thought that he was the best thing since sliced bread and if I did those things I would have my forever love. Things didn’t turn out that way. I was just something he settled for. I realized yesterday that I feel bad though, I know he is a good guy and his heart is always in the right place but he can’t find happiness. Then I realized that for some reason I am still in love with him. I don’t know why, It was never a mutual feeling if you ask me, but I can’t help it. That’s why I need to get out of California. I need to be as far away as possible to reduce any chances of running into each other to nothing. I still have that “he’s not him complex” and I hope leaving will make it easier to get passed this since I won’t have to see his house and car when I go visit friends because I won’t be visiting. Maybe I am running but it’s what I need to do to move on. I am angry at myself for the things that I said. I am angry at myself for knowing without a doubt that he is hurting right now and I realized that I have always had the ability to know this but how he acts when he is hurting isn’t easy to deal with because his attitude is jacked up and when you are on the receiving end of that its really hard to be understanding. I wish him great happiness. It’s been brought to my attention a few times that my interactions with Marcus are totally different than anyone has seen before. We have fun together, we play, and I smile a lot. I really should try holding on tighter to what I have because it is a good thing and he is a really good man. Something is holding me back. I know what it is but I just don’t know how to get past it. The it is me. I feel like I am looking for something still even though I have been getting what I need, I am still missing something. I don’t rely on him for my happiness I am happy for the most part but there is a big hole in my heart. Something that can’t be filled by attention, sex, or dating a lot of people. I had my fun, I got to get all my sexual frustrations out and taken care of. I got my self esteem back. I have drive and a goal but something just isn’t right. Not quite sure what to do but I really want this to emptiness to go away soon.

Yesterday

It's time to say good-bye to the biggest mistake of my life. It's time for me to be happy. Sometimes you forget that it's the little things that truly matter. For me, it's always been the little things. Call me spoiled because I am. I have always gotten what I want. I have never done without and if I did it was because I had too much pride to ask for help. There is nothing that my family and friends wouldn't do for me. I don't ask for much, but I don't have to. People are there for me and for them, I am so grateful. Yesterday a few things happened. On the downside, I think I realized that the person I am currently with may not be where I need to be. I accepted that maybe I do need to be alone and focus on me. Of course that is what everyone has always said but it really takes you coming to the conclusion yourself about what you need to do. I am not completely certain about my next move and me being the person that I am I have to analyze everything. That can be a good thing sometimes but sometimes you just have to leap. On the up side. I made a friend yesterday. We aren't friends yet, but we will be. I scowerd the internal job site at my job trying to find a recruiter that could answer all my questions, what I found was a recruiter who wants to help me with my transition to Georgia. I also found out that as of September 9th which is right around the corner I'll be able to post out of my position. Yes, everything is falling into place. Also yesterday, I think I officially got my friend back. I don't think I ever lost him but our relationship was most deffinately changed. This was a friend who has been there for me in ways that he really never had to be. Our relationship was questionable for a while and it was because of a 3rd party and it turns out that we are OK or we are getting there. It made me more than happy. Yesterday, I also spent time with my girls. It wasn't a pleasant situation. I met with a personal trainer and spent the entire time feeling like I was going to die. I can't say we really spent time together because while they were laughing. I was struggling to breath. I think it will get better though but I am not taking my ass out there today, I am going to rest. Yesterday ended with good conversation with someone I hope will become a really good friend. Yesterday was a good day and now it is time to close the chapter on past yesterdays for good and focus on new memories. The past helped sculpt me into who I am today, but I don't want to think about or remember the sculpting process.

Been a long time

I haven’t done a lot of writing here lately. There is a lot to report but I just haven’t been up to writing. Unfortunately, my sister lost her baby. It’s funny how I went from totally being against her being pregnant to being so excited to see my niece. Last week she went into labor at 4 months and the baby didn’t make it. I really hated myself for coming to California and giving my family up for a dude that is no longer even relevant in my life. I had missed out on so much already, and when there was an emergency, I was not there for my family. I am trying so hard not to beat myself up but it is very difficult. My personal life is much better. It’s not perfect but it’s good. Marcus and I were able to work through everything that went down that fateful night. I don’t really know if it is all worked out. Marcus isn’t really one to let things go, he lets them bother him. I know in the back of his head that night plays in his head over and over and he, just like me is filled with regret. I know I played my role but I can’t help but hold a hatred for my ex because I know that he doesn’t care about what he caused and I don’t even mean for me. I deserved what I got but Marcus didn’t deserve what he got. I can’t even say that it is a hatred for him that would mean I have some sort of feelings there and in all actuality there is none. One thing that I took from that debacle of a situation was the saying, “I once never knew you”. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what it means but it never really applied to me until now. I feel like I never knew him and the truth is, I don’t care. I did something that is a really big thing to me. I made love for the first time in about 4 years. I have never been with anyone in the penetration sense but people I have actually been with exclusively. 6 months later, I gave myself to Marcus. That was a mess of a situation. I was scared as all get out. To go from nothing there to a baby leg was not an easy feet. I did get my groove back, not quite back to throwing it like I use to but it’s a work in progress. I met someone new. His name is Mike and he is a really good guy. He’s the brother of a co-worker who is in need of friends so I let her pass on my number to him. I probably don’t need to talk to him too much because ole boy is one fine man. I know the feeling is mutual but I can’t go back down that road again. I have to say, that being single was a major confidence booster. Not to brag but the last three dudes I have pulled were the sexiest men I have ever been with all three the model type. Maybe I shouldn’t have let my last situation mess with my self esteem. I felt unworthy the whole time and I walked away feeling unworthy and after it ending I had people getting at me that had the ability to make you forget people’s names lol. I haven’t exactly become completely shallow. There is much more to say, but I am at work. I’ll write soon.