1st post of 2013

Wow, what a year. I never planned for my life to take the turns that it did but I am better for it.  I have experienced so much, good and bad, and I have learned so much about myself. I go into 2013 happy for the first time in a very long time.  I will say this about the end of 2012, I got the chance to feel truly loved and it didn't come from the places I had been looking for that feeling. I felt it from Rachel, the person I spent my last couple of months with in California. Jharon, the person who was always there for me. Christian, my lil man. Karla and Yachi, the first real friends that I met outside of a relationship and really got to know the real me and not me and the person I was with. Finally, I got it from my family, the people who have been in my life for all of my life (with some new additions). I'm home now, where I need to be and for the first time in a long time I feel like there is nothing wrong with me being the person that I am and I finally feel like I know the person that I am, flaws and all. I make no resolutions, I've lost the weight, smoking isn't an issue, and I found a way to let my guard down with someone, and so far its going well. I looked at old blogs in order to get dates and it turns out that its been almost 6 mo.the since my last relationship which is big to me because I was able to finally be ok being alone. Relationships have taken everything from me, while I thought I wasn't jaded, it turns out that I was.  I've dated, I've taken time to get to know someone without there being a rush. I feel that I'm ready and I don't want to miss out on him, we are not official (my choice) but I want my 2013 to be with him. I go into this year healthy, happy, and feeling loved and I'm loving it. The past is the past and some people have to be left there and while some people have been a crutch, I tossed the crutches aside way before the end of 2012. Time for my future.

Christmas Day

I had a really good Christmas.  I got 2 Presents, that turned out to be the same present.  I have been wanting this griddle/grill/panini maker/open grill/contact grill.  I told Aarris not to get me anything because he had already gotten me a coat but when he got out of the car, he got out with a gift in hand.  So this morning, everyone took their turns opening their gifts and when it was my turn, I got two really big boxes, one from Aarris and one from Mama and Wana.  I had a feeling I knew what Aarris had gotten for me and when I opened my gift from Mama and Wana, I was sure they were the same thing. Low and behold, that was the same thing, go figure.

Aarris fit in with the family just as  I thought he would.  It took him a little bit to warm up but he eventually did and he was the Aarris I see every time that I am with him.  I was glad that he came.  He really enjoyed himself.  When he left, he let me know that I am not going to go see him for two weeks,  that kind of sucked but it was nice to wake up next to him this morning and this afternoon after the itis set in.  All in all, it was a go time.  Mama said that I have a boyfriend even though I don't call it that.  I see it that way.  I like him a lot, I think there is great potential but again, I am in no rush for that.  I have a lot on my plate that I need to focus on and I can't focus on a relationship.

All in all, today was a great day.  I haven't had a real Christmas in so long.  There is nothing like being home.

Christmas Eve

So it’s Christmas Eve and I am at work. I so wish that I had some sick time because I really don’t want to be here and I am actually trying to get out of it which is odd because leaving will affect my check and I don’t do short checks. I just want to be home, I probably should sit my ass here till 10 but I am not feeling it. Tonight is the big night. Aarris is coming over and I am excited about it. Mama is making sure the siblings have the house together for my guest and well, it’s on. I really hope he has a good time with us.


Yesterday was one of the best days that I have had in a long time, my family was together and we just had a good time. Unfortunately, my dad had to head home this morning so I he won’t be here for Christmas, I talked to him on my way to work and he just went on and on about how much of a good time that he had and that made me happy. I am so glad to have had this time with them. I never get both of my parents in the same place at the same time. I just felt overly blessed yesterday.

Today is kind of a bitter sweet day. While I am happy to be with my family for Christmas for the first time in over 4 years, I just wanted to do so much more than what I was able to do. Right now, I am broke every paycheck because there were some things that I needed to put first so I did. Shopping was fun while it lasted. I am so close to being over this hump that I have been working to get over but it seems like the closer I get I start to feel just how long I have been working towards it and it gets old. 2/1/2013 will be the first free paycheck that I will have. I have other stuff that I need to do but all the pressing things will be behind me and I am actually going to take that check and do something for me. I haven’t decided what just yet. I think I am going to get my ps3 fixed and a laptop. I know it will be a good feeling. I also think that I need to make a point to do something for me at least once a month. I haven’t really been able to do much, I have been giving my whole checks to bills and it has gotten really old but it has been necessary for the bigger picture. Getting there just really sucks. I need something to occupy my mind with since my free time isn’t spent fucked up. Well, I am going to go find something to occupy my time till lunch. Till next time.

I need to change the title of my Saturday blog

I think this about the most consistent that I have ever been with blogging. I would say I am proud of myself but it is honestly due to boredom, The fact is, while I am at home, there is always something going on in my house, be it my siblings having people over or just chilling with the fam. I don’t spend too much time on the computer. I have to admit that it is nice to be able to have my moment to reflect so bored or not, I am grateful for my Saturday work day that is full of not working.


I can’t say that too much has happened this week. The highlight for me took place last night, my dad came into town. It was a rare moment for us, I can count own my hands how many times I have set in one room and watched TV and tripped out with my Mom, Dad, and Big Sister. My parents haven’t been together in as long as I can remember. It was kind of funny to see everyone struggling to stay up past their bed time and then blame it on old age. I tried to get out of working tonight, I was even going to work a day in place of today so that I don’t have to have a short check but I couldn’t get it approved. So my family is all together minus me and today is dragging (no different from any other Saturday). Tomorrow is about me and dad so I am ok; I have something to look forward too.

I don't have much to report about Aarris and myself. We are doing well and are still in this perpetual limbo that I am the sole cause of. I still feel like it’s for the best. This is most definitely the longest I have dated someone without living with them. It’s nice to have a honeymoon period, either I have never had one, or it’s been so long that I don’t remember it. Either way you look at it, it’s not a memory I possess. At some point I realized that I am more nervous about Aarris meeting my family. The funny thing is that I am not nervous about how he will interact with them or them with him. I am nervous about him not relaxing and just being himself but when I told him how I felt, I could feel him looking through the phone at me like “U tripping, if you don’t chill the hell out”. I don’t know what has me tripping but deep down, I know I am the one that is doing the tripping. I hate how I went from numb bliss to whatever the hell you want to call this.

In other news, mom and I are planning a trip for my birthday. I had planned on going back to California from the moment that I left. I wanted to make a point to see Rachel, Christian and the rest of my Cali fam as much as possible. That is still the plan but communication hasn’t been so great. I talk to Rachel the most but that is rare, I know it’s the time difference and just like but I swore to myself that I wouldn’t drift apart from my friends their but it feels inevitable. I am missing hanging out with Rach and talking about randomness. I am starting to feel about my Cali family, the way that I felt about my blood family while I was in California. Feeling like I am missing out on so much. Christian’s birthday is a little over a month away, I missed being there for Yachi as her mom finally took her niece and moved to Nicaragua, Karla was dealing with some family stuff and I wasn’t there for her. Plus I am missing out on being an honorary Asian because I got invited to most family events. It stinks and I don’t know how to find balance. I know that I can talk after work but I am at work for 10 ½ hours a day, I drive 2 hours back and forth to work a day, and by the time I get home, I just want to sleep. Something has to give, these people played such a big role in my life for so long and I miss them.

When I started writing I really didn’t think I had much to report but apparently I was wrong, O well, purging is good for the soul and the waist line (these are the jokes people) I have I have 2 hours and 19 minutes to kill so I am going to go find something to do to occupy that time. Till next time.

Big Steps, big excitment

I have been dealing a lot with my emotions here lately; more, the lack thereof and I think that I have come to some conclusions. I couldn’t figure out why I just wasn’t feeling anything for anyone and then all of a sudden I did. So Aarris and I had a falling out or whatever you would call it and we stopped talking and it actually bothered me that we hadn’t talked. I absolutely hate that it bothers me because I was rather happy not caring but apparently I do. Aarris and I seem to be going back and forth about the same thing he wants to commit and I am not ready to have a boyfriend. I think he is moving too fast and he thinks I am not trying to move anywhere. I think he is great, but everyone is great at first. He has been consistent in his behavior which is new to me. The only real complaint that I have is that he is talking about things that I really don’t want to think about right now. All that he wants from me I am willing to do, just not now and I feel really bad about making him wait but my relationships have been one big mistake after another and I just don’t want to do it again. I am actually about to make a big step. I am still not making anything official but I am going to let him meet the family. No one has met my family in years so this is a pretty big thing to me and he has no idea how big of a thing this is to him because my family can be pretty critical. I am excited surprisingly. We will see how he meshes with the circus I am happy to call a family. I think he will fit in just fine; he is as silly as the rest of us. We will see.


Side note, I am ubber happy right now. Friday, when I get home from work my dad will be there. I haven’t seen him since I flew down last August. I miss my old man so much. Every day I am reminded why I am so glad to be back home, not that I need to be reminded. I wake up happy. I go to sleep happy. I haven’t been able to say that in so long

Another Saturday @ work

I am back from a lunch that I didn’t get to eat on because I spent the entire time arguing. I don’t know what exactly the argument is about though. I guess there are a lot of possibilities. I have always felt some pressure from Aaris to take our relationship to the next level. I have always felt like I am focused on the now but he already has his future mapped out and his mind is already at the finish line. When I am around him, I love being around him until talks of the future begin and it turns me off and I just want to pull away and run. I can think of a million reasons as to why I run at any talks of commitment. Aarris acts as if we are a couple now, and I don’t want that and I don’t know why. I am attracted to him, and he is a really good guy but I just can’t do it, I thought I could but I can’t. Aarris wants me to be all in or to let him go and I am having a hard time letting go too. He gets upset with me because he feels that the way I currently am is because of my past and he is paying for it, while this is somewhat true, I like to think that my past just taught me lessons but I am not haunted by it. I just feel like I am becoming more emotionally numb by the second. I feel like if I don’t get it together I will lose him from my life. This same thing has happened to me 3 times already since I got here. 3 great guys but I couldn’t bring myself to throw caution to the wind and go for it. Some guys tend to have an issue with not knowing if a situation is going anywhere, go figure.


Here is the situation at hand. I find it small and not worthy of all that it has turned into. I will go ahead and put it out that there I have had a few relapses in the last few days. So Wednesday, I talked to Aarris throughout the day, and something was off in our conversation. He has a lot going on, and so was I. I felt like there was some attitude and usually that happened because he has reached the point to where he is ready for a commitment and he is tired of waiting and I conveniently avoid asking what’s wrong and I pull away too. All of a sudden our conversations stopped. During out lack of conversation, I sort of reached out to Deon, I hadn’t talked to him a in a few weeks and seen him for even longer. He asked me to come and I did. Up until this night I had been seeing Aarris exclusively. I did stay the night and I did end up sleeping with him. I don’t really feel bad because Aarris and I aren’t together and I can see who I want but I feel like it would hurt him if he knew even though he knows what we are. I got home around 6 the next morning, and I text Aarris good morning because he is supposed to be up getting ready for work. I mentioned that I had stepped out the night before and he got mad because I didn’t tell him. Now, I am not one to check in, plus the last text message was something that I sent to him and he never responded and I felt like if he wanted to talk to me he would have reached out to me. So he is upset, and starts talking about things that I know have been on his mind but he chose not to say anything and it pissed me off. He talked about how he hasn’t met my family or my friends and how he is tired of waiting. SMH, I had just dodged this bullet a month prior and I thought we were in a good place but I guess not. All this stemmed from me not reaching out when I left. I jumped on the defense because I didn’t find it that serious. If he felt like I was being inconsiderate he could have reached out to me, if u think about it, his ass wasn’t thinking about me till he found out that I went out. So I let loose with some things that have been bothering me like the pressure of being in a relationship. Anyhow, this situation has taken on a life of its own, I don’t really know what the argument is about right now and I am starting to wonder if I am using this as an excuse to bail. I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t feel I am ready to be with him and part of me feels like I am being selfish for holding on to him when I am so uncertain and I don’t want to be a or feel like an ass hat.

Unable to post, Bah.

The computer at home has been in the shop, its been so damn busy at work that I haven't been able to right, and I thought I had finally gotten my mobile blogger working but not till just now. It's funny, when I have a lot to say I can't log in and once I've forgotten all I've had to say. I'm 3 weeks in on my not smoking, only 7 more to go till I'm off the pateches. It seems so dang far away but its not so bad because not drinking keeps me from wanting a cigarette, in all honesty, I'm ready to quit spending money on patches. Oh well, it will all come to an end soon. I did try to drink yesterday but it wasn't remotely enjoyable for one it was nasty and for 2 I sat there worrying about my calorie intake like a weirdo (yes, I know I have become weird about my weight) but I can't help it, the weight is finally coming off and I have been wanting that for so long. My last doc appointment had me down 10lbs and all of my pants too big and i'll take it all with a big kool-aid smile. magically

Saturday Rundown

Things have finally slowed down as usual and what a week this has been. I was very productive if I do say so myself and I spent the entire week sick, every time that I thought that I was doing better, I’d turn around and get sick all over again. Not sure if I have blogged about it but turns out, I had an ear infection. My symptoms may or may not have had anything to do with the ear infection (at this point, I don’t really think all of them did). I had fevers for days, really bad headaches, and chills. To me, that sounds like the flu, which is why I credited my being sick to me being without my meds. I am not at 100% which does slightly concern me but I am close to it, I am feeling pretty ok right now on this wonderful Saturday. I got down and handled business. I finally got to see a Doc about being positive, and I am back to doing what I am supposed to be doing. I know it is stupid for me to put my health on the back burner but I didn’t know what else to do. I was in training mon-fri from 8-4:30 and there were no appointments available to me after work. I have no sick or vacation time so I couldn’t take time off because I needed my full check so I waited till training was done and I had a schedule that allowed it. I haven’t been without meds the entire time I have been back home, just the last 3 weeks or so but that is still long enough. My doc seems to be a pretty cool guy. He took me off the 3 meds I have been on for about 4 years and put me on a 1 a day regimen. I don’t know what it is but something about the change just made me happy, I think it’s because, every change that has taken place has been for the best and change just makes me feel like I am getting closer to my goal. Either way you look at it I am pretty happy right now. I ordered a replacement for my SS card, my birth certificate, and traded my California license in for a good old GA license. I feel like I am so close to shedding everything that was California and it feels so damn good.


I have to admit that I have been a little bummed about my Cali friends here lately. Maybe it was me being stubborn or maybe even prideful but after a few unsuccessful attempts and no call backs, I gave up on reaching out to people. I can’t be bummed about it and I am a strong believer in “out of sight out of mind” ,I don’t look at anything as being intentional but I just feel like what I didn’t want to happen has happened. Those daily conversations I was use to having no longer exist, I haven’t really made any new friends here and that is mainly because I am always at work and I am staying put the best I can so I can save or every friend I make has an ulterior motive. I am not mad at that though, I wanted to be ok being by myself and now I am. I have no co-dependencies and I so needed that. I am continuing on with my non-smoking lifestyle and somehow the desire to drink went away. Don’t get me wrong. I like my booze and I am not saying that I have quit but it’s no longer a constant in my life and I needed that and now saving has become something that is really important to me and that’s a new major change because usually, if I have been broke for a while, I find all kinds of stupid ways to justify spending money lol. New me, I will be in my own house by 31, now it the time I make the needed changes to make it happen. It feels so good to finally be happy.

Another Saturday of reflection

Another Saturday night at work and I think I have reached that time when calls stop coming through, 3 hrs and 51 min to go, yippy skippy. I still like my job and the people that I work with. All in all it was a good move, especially since everyone in my old dept. is scared about if they are going to have a job in the future. I would like to say that I have nothing to worry about when it comes down to that but considering some of the people that got laid off so far in the company had just taken new positions. I talked to my friend Jha’ron and my old manager and both of them were scared about their jobs. I will just count my blessings for being employed and not worry about it because if they do layoffs, there really isn’t anything that I can do about it.


Last night I didn’t stay home, I intended to but it didn’t work out that way. I wish I had made it home. Nene finally broke down over the loss of Josiah and I wasn’t there. Mama wanted to do something for her so she is taking her to Vegas in a week or so when they go. I wish I could have been there though, not sure what I can do to soften the blow other than just being there. I couldn’t imagine what it did to her emotionally the first time and for it to happen again, again I can’t imagine.

I managed to get sick so that shift is really blowing right now. I don’t know exactly what it is but I have a fairly good idea. I have had headaches for the last two nights and a fever last night and today accompanied by the chills. I think my lack of meds is starting to take its toll on me which sucks. Hopefully I am wrong and all of this will clear up by the time I come back to work on Monday. Thank God for Aariss he gave me that special sick attention that I need when I am sick and being a baby but last night, I wasn’t a baby. It was nice being looked after but he worries unnecessarily and he is really worried about me at this time. I kind of regret telling him about me being sick, I don’t want him to worry. But I did tell him, and on top of that he got to witness it. My intention wasn’t even to stay the night last night, I went over because he was dealing with some stuff and was down so I went over for support, I ended up taking a nap and when I woke up, my skin was on fire and then I was forbidden to leave. He is a really good guy and he is good to me, I just hope he can wait on me. I came up with a game plan. Aariss is who I want to be with but I can’t do it right now. I slowed down on all the extra stuff I have been doing I put my focus on being home. I have an apartment to prepare for, I have things that I need to focus on and while I am sure I can focus on them while in a relationship, I don’t want to and I am not trying to. I have expressed that I am not opposed to being in a relationship but I am opposed to it right now. I just hope he can understand. If not, it’s not meant to be.