Learning to be in a relationship again

Haven’t really blogged the last few Saturday’s. I intended to last Saturday but it was ridiculously busy, which is something that I haven’t seen since I got on the floor. I don’t really know what to say about what’s been going on with me. I feel like I am learning to be in a relationship for the first time and I kind of screwed up royally and hurt Karl in the process. Last Saturday, I had some friends come into town and we went out. Karl had some friends come into town as well so we both kind of went off and did our own things. Karl and I had made plans at one point but at the time he didn’t know his people were coming into town. I kind of assumed that we weren’t going to be getting together and didn’t bring it up. It turns out that he wanted me to meet his friends. I didn’t hang out with my friends all weekend, just Saturday, since he had friends in town I opted to hang out with my family and we didn’t talk for a couple of days. The fact that I disappeared made things worse. I understood him being upset, it wouldn’t have bothered me too much because I am a little harder to upset or hurt due to my past. I had to think about it, I remember back when I was more sensitive than what I am. As much as I have tried not to, what my past did to make me harder still exists even though I am not in any of those situations anymore. I really hate it, I was a hopeless romantic at one point but that part of me died a long time ago. I hardened myself up so much and for so long after someone emotionally wreckage that it become a part of who I am. Part of me misses that person, but the other part of me just remembers how painful it was to be that person and I have no desire for that but that’s neither here nor there. The past is exactly what it is, the past.


I guess, all in all, I am trying to learn how to be in a relationship again. Or maybe just trying to be in healthy one for the first time (so far it is, I don’t anything past anyone anymore) I am trying to balance my man, my friends, and my family and it’s hard for me. I don’t’ mind Karl going out with me to be with my friends and my family sometimes but not all the times and I don’t want all the time that I spend with him to involve the outside world like I have to be around other people in order to spend time with him. I also just need my alone time because that is hard to balance as well.

I must say that I am a little more in tune to what it is that I do and don’t want these days, I have always known but circumstances didn’t always allow. Sometimes I feel bad though, I will be sitting at Karl’s house, and I find myself bored so I want to get up and go. It’s not because I don’t enjoy being around him but because he is often busy at school. I can go be stuck in the house at home and have a great time because I have my family there for entertainment so why be bored at all.

Last weekend I met quite a few friends from G+, we all went out and had a blast, it’s was nice being social with a group of guys without an agenda. Every guy that I have met so far wanted something more than I was will to offer. All in all, life is still good and I have to remind myself to look at the big picture. Sometimes I get down because I am not where I want to be at just yet and I am so tired of the wait. In the process, I have to remind myself of where I have come from, what I have been through, and the fact that I actually like my life right now. It helps a bit to get through this long ass rough patch. I The way I figure it, I will be able to do some things here real soon and it will be very nice