The hardest thing I have ever done

Last night, I experienced the hardest thing that I have ever experienced.  I wasn't the one who had to endure it but I had to witness and I just couldn't keep it together.

Last night, I sat in a hospital room while my baby sister gave birth to her second premature child.  He came 7 months and 1 after the loss of her first.  I sat there and listened to my sister cry in pain and there was nothing that I could do.  I knew what was on everyone's mind and even though I didn't want to speak it, I knew what the outcome was.  The baby came before the pain meds or IV's could be put in.  I saw as his little feet came out.  When he came all the way out they placed him under a heating lamp type thing where we watched him take a few breaths.  We all got the chance to hold him, by the time he got to me, I am almost certain he was gone.  My older sister tried to console Jeremy (the babies father) because he was losing it.  I couldn't do anything but sit there and cry.  I couldn't imagine how this was going to affect my sister because I know that when she lost her daughter a few months back it really emotionally affected her.  I did finally get the strength to get up and look at the baby, he was 5 months old and all of his features hadn't formed but  every swore that he had his mom's nose and his dad's lips (I didn't see it). when we were all alone, my sister sat up and said,"I don't know what's wrong with me but I am not sad".  Maybe she came to grips with what was about to take place when the contractions started I don't know,  I couldn't possibly imagine what had gone through her heart and mind.

I woke up this morning hoping it was all a dream but as I got up to go to the bathroom, I saw her empty bed.  She isn't home yet. it just doesn't feel real.