Been a long time

I haven’t done a lot of writing here lately. There is a lot to report but I just haven’t been up to writing. Unfortunately, my sister lost her baby. It’s funny how I went from totally being against her being pregnant to being so excited to see my niece. Last week she went into labor at 4 months and the baby didn’t make it. I really hated myself for coming to California and giving my family up for a dude that is no longer even relevant in my life. I had missed out on so much already, and when there was an emergency, I was not there for my family. I am trying so hard not to beat myself up but it is very difficult. My personal life is much better. It’s not perfect but it’s good. Marcus and I were able to work through everything that went down that fateful night. I don’t really know if it is all worked out. Marcus isn’t really one to let things go, he lets them bother him. I know in the back of his head that night plays in his head over and over and he, just like me is filled with regret. I know I played my role but I can’t help but hold a hatred for my ex because I know that he doesn’t care about what he caused and I don’t even mean for me. I deserved what I got but Marcus didn’t deserve what he got. I can’t even say that it is a hatred for him that would mean I have some sort of feelings there and in all actuality there is none. One thing that I took from that debacle of a situation was the saying, “I once never knew you”. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what it means but it never really applied to me until now. I feel like I never knew him and the truth is, I don’t care. I did something that is a really big thing to me. I made love for the first time in about 4 years. I have never been with anyone in the penetration sense but people I have actually been with exclusively. 6 months later, I gave myself to Marcus. That was a mess of a situation. I was scared as all get out. To go from nothing there to a baby leg was not an easy feet. I did get my groove back, not quite back to throwing it like I use to but it’s a work in progress. I met someone new. His name is Mike and he is a really good guy. He’s the brother of a co-worker who is in need of friends so I let her pass on my number to him. I probably don’t need to talk to him too much because ole boy is one fine man. I know the feeling is mutual but I can’t go back down that road again. I have to say, that being single was a major confidence booster. Not to brag but the last three dudes I have pulled were the sexiest men I have ever been with all three the model type. Maybe I shouldn’t have let my last situation mess with my self esteem. I felt unworthy the whole time and I walked away feeling unworthy and after it ending I had people getting at me that had the ability to make you forget people’s names lol. I haven’t exactly become completely shallow. There is much more to say, but I am at work. I’ll write soon.