Realizations

I think I really hurt someone. There is no real reason to know for sure because if you met him, you think that he has no feelings, at least towards me. I said some really hurtful things. Things that I didn’t necessarily mean and also things that I knew were sensitive issues for this person. Again, he will never let on that it bothered him. I blogged about him and deep down I knew he read and check up on me. It came from a place of anger, but there is no need to go into that. It appears that he is going through some things right now. I once said I didn’t check up on him, but I read his blogs whenever he posted them. I was ear hustling too and I know that that he is hurting. No one else can tell, but I can. I think it is easier for me to tell because I am not on the receiving end of the “F” it attitude and I am I must admit that that part is a good feeling. Yesterday, I remembered why, I loved him in the first place and that is something I forgot a long time ago. I fell for him because he just wanted to be happy, loved, and appreciated and I thought that he was the best thing since sliced bread and if I did those things I would have my forever love. Things didn’t turn out that way. I was just something he settled for. I realized yesterday that I feel bad though, I know he is a good guy and his heart is always in the right place but he can’t find happiness. Then I realized that for some reason I am still in love with him. I don’t know why, It was never a mutual feeling if you ask me, but I can’t help it. That’s why I need to get out of California. I need to be as far away as possible to reduce any chances of running into each other to nothing. I still have that “he’s not him complex” and I hope leaving will make it easier to get passed this since I won’t have to see his house and car when I go visit friends because I won’t be visiting. Maybe I am running but it’s what I need to do to move on. I am angry at myself for the things that I said. I am angry at myself for knowing without a doubt that he is hurting right now and I realized that I have always had the ability to know this but how he acts when he is hurting isn’t easy to deal with because his attitude is jacked up and when you are on the receiving end of that its really hard to be understanding. I wish him great happiness. It’s been brought to my attention a few times that my interactions with Marcus are totally different than anyone has seen before. We have fun together, we play, and I smile a lot. I really should try holding on tighter to what I have because it is a good thing and he is a really good man. Something is holding me back. I know what it is but I just don’t know how to get past it. The it is me. I feel like I am looking for something still even though I have been getting what I need, I am still missing something. I don’t rely on him for my happiness I am happy for the most part but there is a big hole in my heart. Something that can’t be filled by attention, sex, or dating a lot of people. I had my fun, I got to get all my sexual frustrations out and taken care of. I got my self esteem back. I have drive and a goal but something just isn’t right. Not quite sure what to do but I really want this to emptiness to go away soon.