My Side

I know everyone thinks I am some sort of monster now. Maybe I am. I have no excuses for my actions and I accept everything that I am going through and will go through because of my actions because I deserve them. My side will never be heard but I would at least like to get it out there so that I can close this chapter of my life and find a way to move on.

I was in love with my husband Devin for a very long time before we finally got together but he never wanted anything to do with me. I was miserable in my current situation with my ex. I didn’t want the relationship to go where it did but due to circumstances we ended up living together when I wasn’t ready to and didn’t want to. We weren’t compatible at all, he annoyed me, and worst of all we worked together. I began to drink heavily and some really bad things happened. Devin finally started to show interest out of the clear blue sky and I was elated. Devin came down to visit and it felt like home. We made love and the connection was so strong. Eventually I decided to move to California for him. I let my ex Micah know that I was leaving to be with Devin. Of course there was some drama that took place but this isn’t about that relationship. One thing about Micah is that he was always right, he said something to me that stuck with me and part of me already thought it was true. Micah said,” he only wants to be with you because he is lonely”. I had already thought that was the case because, what other reason did he have for not wanting anything to do with me on that level when he had been dating. I just wasn’t what he wanted.

I moved to California and it was rough pretty much from the start. I was sick and depressed. As always I medicated myself with alcohol. There was this one incident where I mixed alcohol with anti-depressants and lost my mind. I don’t remember much about that day, I know that it got really bad. If anything Devin should have sent my ass packing back home but he didn’t. It happened another time and it was even worse the second time. I spent most of our relationship miserable but I didn’t really know why. Eventually we stopped having sex, stopped talking, and stopped even being friends. For the longest time I felt that what we had he wanted but he didn’t want it with me. He wanted it with someone from his past. Eventually I felt like nothing I did was appreciated and he didn’t care if he was with me or not. Eventually I came to the conclusion that reality had set in with him and he realized that he didn’t want to be with me, he only gave me a chance because he was lonely.

Devin and I continued to drift apart. There was no affection at all. I became needy because I was always home alone and when he came home I didn’t have him. I spent so much time by myself that when he came home I wanted to be with him and up under him but that’s not what he wanted. I constantly felt rejected. Eventually I met Dennis. He gave me the attention that I was missing. He wanted to talk to me. We lived nowhere near each other but he gave me that affection that I needed even though I couldn’t touch him. Our relationship grew as my marriage seemed to drift further and further apart. Devin found out about Dennis, I lied. I didn’t want to let Dennis go because he made me not feel lonely anymore. I had been open with Devin on how I felt and he did nothing about it and letting Dennis go meant I was going back to feeling alone and unwanted. I didn’t want to leave Devin, I wanted it to be him that made me feel complete but instead it was someone else.

Devin and I finally ended in a big physical fight. Dennis thought this was our chance to be together but at this point I no longer had the desire to be with him. I don’t think I ever really did, our relationship was cool until it had the potential to be real. I didn’t want it to be real. I wanted my husband and no one could understand why I would want to be with someone that I was unhappy with. The fact was, I wanted to be happy with him and only him. I can’t candy coat it. I used Dennis for what I needed but didn’t want anymore. I allowed him to fall in love with me, and yes, I had feelings for him but not the same ones he shared.

Marcus came into the picture after my break up with Devin. He was everything I wanted and needed. I couldn’t give my all because I have HIV and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Everything we did was safe but I still didn’t give him the chance to choose and for that I was so wrong. I was never really concerned about passing it on to him. He dumped me because I was hung up on my husband. I was hung up on the love that I knew we could have and the past that wasn’t all bad. I knew I could never really be with Marcus because I really couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I will never know if he could have handled it if I were upfront. I was selfish. Devin decided to give us a chance. Marcus and I had ended and I didn’t feel I had anything to lose but at the same time I felt Devin wanted to get back together because it was easier to do it together financially, again, I really didn’t feel like he really wanted to be with me. I knew his issues, he knew mine, we knew we had love for each other, and we both had jobs so why not. Things didn’t really feel right to me, Marcus was still on my mind because I had felt that he wanted me. Marcus resurfaced. Marcus still wanted me. He made me feel wanted and I really didn’t feel like Devin wanted to be with me, it turns out that it was just a communication breakdown. I couldn’t really be with Marcus because he still didn’t know and Devin came to the conclusion that it wasn’t going to work. Marcus got upset with me because I brought up a situation with his baby mama. He decided he wanted to go through my phone. He took my keys and would not give them back unless I let him go through my phone. Marcus read text and Called Devin, for what reason I don’t really know. Devin and I had broken up at this point. The initial comments made when the conversation began we not all truthful. Devin decided to disclose my status for me out of anger and the night turned to hell. I don’t know how their conversation played out. I was choked and punched in the face. I deserved it but strongly feel it wasn’t Devin’s place. Devin put me in a position where I could have lost my life that day. I have lived in fear since.

That’s a rundown of my side of things. If I went into more and more details I would be writing forever. Now I have no one in my life at this point. I am most hated and I deserve it. The thing is, and I realized this. I am scared of being alone. At this point I don’t think I care who I am with, I just don’t want to be alone. I was reminded that night that everything went down that I am sick. I was publicly humiliated. Called nasty and diseased. The ignorance that was yelled at me was the reason I was reluctant to say anything. Marcus’ aunt screamed about me cooking for them and them drinking after me and how the whole family needed to be tested. I will never say I was in the right. I will say that a lot was done out of spite. Devin knew he didn’t know.

I am not mad at anyone. I have feared for my life. I have contemplated taking my life which is something I have never done. It scared me. It’s time for me to disappear for a while. I’ll continue to blog, but I need to remove myself from everything that I have going on in my life. I need to regroup and say good bye to hope and California for a while.