Out in the open

Last night was a good night for me. I think my meds are no longer making me sleepy, well at least they didn’t last night. I hung out with Jha’ron which was nice considering we haven’t just hung out in a long time, even though I lived there before. My shower got fixed yesterday and that was pretty darn sweet if I do say so myself. I don’t know where life is heading at right now. Every emotion I feel seems to be magnified, be it good or bad.

Today was good as far as anxiety attacks go. I had a small issue with it but it didn’t last long and it was nowhere near as severe as yesterdays.

I kind of came to the conclusion that leaving California might be harder than what I thought. After moving into Jha’ron’s house and finding a way to make gas reasonable, some of the stress’ I faced last time around were less. I thought I would be a lot more lonely than what I have been. Devin and I still haven’t talked and I really don’t think we ever will again. I am not ok with it but there is nothing that I can do about that. I am counting down until Monday, I think that day will make or break my plans for the future, but either way you look at it I will be home for my birthday. I miss my family so much right now, I think my life would be so much better and happier if I was closer.

I am working on letting go of all the anger that I held. I am not longer angry at Marcus’ actions. I feel really bad for what I caused and what Devin caused. He had a right to know about me but it was not Devin’s place. It’s not really a shocker there, yet again Devin doesn’t think about how his actions would affect another person. Marcus is fine though. I had to check on him, I knew that he would go get tested the next day and I also knew that he would be fine because I knew that we were safe. Devin knew that too because we had talked about me not saying anything. I think what hurt me most was the fact that Marcus was just a casualty to him while he was trying to hurt me. I knew I could really lose my life that night. It’s something that I wouldn’t do to another person. But at the same time, I know a lot of people would say that they wouldn’t do what I did to another person. I can’t play judge or victim because I can’t. Let me take back that part about anger. I didn’t get to pack any of my stuff. I am missing clothes, cords, and my TV. I don’t get why people hold on to things when they want someone out of their lives. I don’t want conflict right now. I will just request it later.

I don’t know what to say about love right now. I have had it and I have lost it. I think I came to the conclusion that I am just not good at it or maybe I just settled for people that I wasn’t compatible with because of fear of being alone. I knew I wasn’t what Devin wanted but still I stayed and allowed both of us to be unhappy. This last time around I don’t think there was any effort put in, but I don’t think it was because no one wanted to put forth effort. I really think it was because no one opened their mouths and said, “hey, this is what I need”. It seems so simple but we just couldn’t get it together. I am pretty sure I am a running joke now, I am pretty sure I have always been.

I haven’t mentioned my countdown. My countdown to happiness. 13 Days to go.