Another Saturday @ work

I am back from a lunch that I didn’t get to eat on because I spent the entire time arguing. I don’t know what exactly the argument is about though. I guess there are a lot of possibilities. I have always felt some pressure from Aaris to take our relationship to the next level. I have always felt like I am focused on the now but he already has his future mapped out and his mind is already at the finish line. When I am around him, I love being around him until talks of the future begin and it turns me off and I just want to pull away and run. I can think of a million reasons as to why I run at any talks of commitment. Aarris acts as if we are a couple now, and I don’t want that and I don’t know why. I am attracted to him, and he is a really good guy but I just can’t do it, I thought I could but I can’t. Aarris wants me to be all in or to let him go and I am having a hard time letting go too. He gets upset with me because he feels that the way I currently am is because of my past and he is paying for it, while this is somewhat true, I like to think that my past just taught me lessons but I am not haunted by it. I just feel like I am becoming more emotionally numb by the second. I feel like if I don’t get it together I will lose him from my life. This same thing has happened to me 3 times already since I got here. 3 great guys but I couldn’t bring myself to throw caution to the wind and go for it. Some guys tend to have an issue with not knowing if a situation is going anywhere, go figure.


Here is the situation at hand. I find it small and not worthy of all that it has turned into. I will go ahead and put it out that there I have had a few relapses in the last few days. So Wednesday, I talked to Aarris throughout the day, and something was off in our conversation. He has a lot going on, and so was I. I felt like there was some attitude and usually that happened because he has reached the point to where he is ready for a commitment and he is tired of waiting and I conveniently avoid asking what’s wrong and I pull away too. All of a sudden our conversations stopped. During out lack of conversation, I sort of reached out to Deon, I hadn’t talked to him a in a few weeks and seen him for even longer. He asked me to come and I did. Up until this night I had been seeing Aarris exclusively. I did stay the night and I did end up sleeping with him. I don’t really feel bad because Aarris and I aren’t together and I can see who I want but I feel like it would hurt him if he knew even though he knows what we are. I got home around 6 the next morning, and I text Aarris good morning because he is supposed to be up getting ready for work. I mentioned that I had stepped out the night before and he got mad because I didn’t tell him. Now, I am not one to check in, plus the last text message was something that I sent to him and he never responded and I felt like if he wanted to talk to me he would have reached out to me. So he is upset, and starts talking about things that I know have been on his mind but he chose not to say anything and it pissed me off. He talked about how he hasn’t met my family or my friends and how he is tired of waiting. SMH, I had just dodged this bullet a month prior and I thought we were in a good place but I guess not. All this stemmed from me not reaching out when I left. I jumped on the defense because I didn’t find it that serious. If he felt like I was being inconsiderate he could have reached out to me, if u think about it, his ass wasn’t thinking about me till he found out that I went out. So I let loose with some things that have been bothering me like the pressure of being in a relationship. Anyhow, this situation has taken on a life of its own, I don’t really know what the argument is about right now and I am starting to wonder if I am using this as an excuse to bail. I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t feel I am ready to be with him and part of me feels like I am being selfish for holding on to him when I am so uncertain and I don’t want to be a or feel like an ass hat.